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A terrible place

Posted on 2007.12.13 at 20:23

Is this anger or is this pain?
Have I lost you completely?
Is this how things must remain?

No going back to see what's lost,
No looking inward for I can't take anymore,
I've lost so much.

A handful of friends, counted on one hand,
Who I don't go to for consolation.

I really can't take anymore,
I want off this roller coaster,
My nerves are shot and I'm drowning again.

I've been drowning all year,
Few have noticed and fewer yet

Receding from life, conversation,
Existence is painful and I want
to be seen as "normal."

So I keep my pain inside,
So much to hide,
And I can't take it anymore.

Crying through the day,
Between classes and appointments,
And I'm told I'm not trying.

I can't change who I am in a matter of weeks,
And a crisis is a crisis whether you know
about it or not, I'm sorry. I'm stuck.

I'm barely holding on,
And all I need is to hear a kind word of concern,
A sincere compliment, but I guess there are none to give.

How could you compliment someone so selfish anyway?
Someone who can't see past her own overwhelmed life?
Someone who can't stop feeling enough to express the concern she does feel for others.

I only understand students,
Students get it, students understand,
Adults go on and I don't know how to live up to their expectations.

I'm so good at finding my flaws and asking for help,
And everyone is so willing to help,
But no one stops to think I never have anything good to say about myself.
And no one finds something good to say about me.

How can you say I haven't tried?
I've reached out, I've worked hard to mend relationships with Steve and Doug,
Sincere concern and professional relationships.

I've worked hard at trying to stay calm,
At trying to see when I'm saying something that you don't like,
Or that could be taken wrong.

You say you can't force me to feel,
Well I can't force you to see.

Do you even realize how much of a mess I am?
I've cried for two days straight, barely keeping it from students,
having to cancel lessons because I couldn't stop?
Crying through physical therapy?

Don't you realize I hear every word said and unsaid?
The ice stabs me like a dagger with no warmth in your eyes,
Don't look at me, you hurt me more than you could ever know.

I know I've hurt you and I would do anything to make it right,
But please understand, this is a side of me you don't know;
I don't discuss my heart with people because they don't care.

I started to open mine and I make a stupid mistake
Now everything is ruined and the walls have returned
But the cracks in my foundation are worse with each tear.

As it slides down my cheek I feel the pain anew
Punishing myself for what I already knew
But people see a selfish bitch wanting her way
Thinking everything will be okay
Or perhaps worse yet, ungrateful and dismissive.

When nothing has ever been okay, I don't know what that feels like,
Never a child and always alone with unwilling guides I push away
For fear they'll leave like everyone else and again I hurt myself.

No one asks why or how, just me being difficult and stubborn,
I'll give you that. And some say those aren't good traits...
Well those are the only reason I'm still alive today.

So forgive me if it takes longer than you'd like to fix myself,
Forgive me if I remain to stubborn to die,
You see, you think I don't think about the stress placed on you,
On how this could affect you, but I do.
And I punish myself every moment for taking your time, but I just can't live a lie.

Life is too short for me not to say what's in my heart,
I've lost too much and too many for me to wait it out,
So forgive me if I push to hard,
And forgive me for never believing I shouldn't have tried.

I try to do everything from love, but it's a fine line between love and hate,
And when I'm upset and things come out wrong, smack me yes, but don't leave,
By leaving you do what everyone else has done.

And so more tears are shed and the bile begins to rise,
Forcing it back down wishing I'd die,
You don't understand, I'm not ungrateful or dismissing you,
I'm that insecure that I need you to say more.

It's not about my lack of faith in you,
But the lack of faith in myself,
That surely this can't be true
And I've given you the wrong impression to say or think such a thing.

After all, who would want me?
Who could see anything good in what I do?
When you feel like that, you need someone to tell you why.

Because no one ever has believed in you,
And your faith in yourself is so frail that without
Another's detailed help you fall apart again
And are lost in place you are terrified of.


vicemage at 2007-12-14 04:58 (UTC) (Link)
*hug* Is there anything I can do for you?
akiko_kalla at 2007-12-14 05:09 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you. I don't think there is much anyone can do for me at the moment. I just need to be away from everyone and everything for a while.
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