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kagami (June 16, 2005)

Posted on 2005.07.05 at 08:29
Tags: ,
You always know in the back of your heart...it could be worse, but that doesn't stop you from feeling it should be different; that this is a bad dream you will wake from one day. What comes out in the solitude of night is much different from the face you show the world. You keep yourself busy but when you are forced to see yourself...who is it that looks back at you? A smiling, laughing face...laughter that touches the edges of your eyes from the memories deep within your heart, but cannot penetrate the deep sadness within.

Memories you hold deep inside of how life should be...how it once was. But along with the happiness, there is a bitter burn as if they are the dying embers of a life that is no more. The stronger you hold to them, the deeper the wound, and yet the closer you are to not losing yourself. Is this how life is supposed to be? A constrant struggle with a few moments of happiness. Is the only thing we can do is hold onto these moments and continue to move forward? You can move forward, you can laugh, you can even find happiness in new moments, but nothing erases the past. I feel torn between embracing it and running from it...and yet neither seems to be the answer.

The bonds you form in childhood are unlike any bond you form later in life. Even after years apart, you still feel it...and the memories of it. You remember the scorpion on the boat and swimming in the lake; you remember swinging from trees and pretending you had super powers; you remember playing pool and nintendo...you shouldn't have to remember a funeral. Perhaps the only thing stronger than this bond is the bond that can form between siblings. The older always watching over and taking care of the younger, the younger always blindly following the older. The older always taking responsibility over the younger, almost to the point of raising him. There was no need for friends outside of ourselves. All we needed was each other...building forts out of chairs and blankets, playing video games, building dominos, just spinning around until we fell down. Laughter would diffuse any argument. A bond where you would throw your life in front of the other to protect him.

Except what happens when the day comes where you can't. You have a feeling to talk to him, but don't and then your lives are unalterably changed. The bond is still there, but you have both changed. Life has taken its toll and you no longer have the innocence you did then, despite trying to protect it. You can't help the sadness that forms in your heart, especially when you know you cannot do anymore to help him. You push away those feelings to be strong, to help and always be who you were, but in the end...you no longer are that person. You choose to stay by his side, to help if you can rather than throw the bond to the wind and pursue a new life, but in your heart you still feel that sadness of what was lost. Even if he doesn't know or feel it himself.

Do wounds like that ever heal? Time passes, but perhaps some wounds are too deep...or their scars so disfiguring you can't forget. Perhaps there is something inside that is afraid to forget...that if we forget, we will loose that part of ourselves, that bond, those memories. Wouldn't we? Even if I were to leave my past in ashes, there would always be the glowing embers in my heart, refusing to die out. Can you suffocate them? Should you? You feel the tears but they don't fall. You can't let him see them fall. You comfort, but you don't need it in return. Another fault you find in your lies to yourself. My heart is confused and hurt...I realize looking back how I was...and how I am. I was the one that took care of things, I was the one tried to make things ok, I was the one who would direct the anger at me, but in the end...I couldn't save him from any pain. Maybe I am foolish to think that is a selfless act. It is arrogant to think you can save anyone from anything and it is only my self-pity that I have to keep me company now. Not a very pretty picture, but the truth.

It could have been so much worse, and yet that does not lessen anything I feel. It does not change the past. And still in your heart, you want to return to that place where you were...a place where you could pretend to be innocent--and believe it. A place where you COULD protect loved ones, where you COULD heal wounds, where you could be yourself. You keep telling yourself, one day I will find that place again...one day I will return to that in my heart. Can you? Fleeting moments give you hope, but in your heart you wonder...is there really a home to return to? Or, like everything else now, is it something you must create and be content with what you have now? All the while keeping your thoughts and sadness silent, just in case he can still return to a place you can no longer follow.

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