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The Reason (June 13, 2005)

Posted on 2005.07.05 at 08:29
Ever get the feeling that everything around you is changing so fast...and all you can do is watch? I don't feel powerless, I feel trapped; stuck. I feel the power inside brimming over, ready to explode, but I have to wait to release it. It has to be one of the most frustrating feelings I've felt. It's difficult to sit still when it feels like the very earth under your feet is changing. Some say it's because I need to slow down, others say perhaps it's life's sense of humor. I don't know but the feeling keeps growing and I am stuck just sitting. Hopefully tomorrow will change that.

Along with this energy are flowing memories I didn't know I had. It's like someone has opened the flood gates in my mind and the information is spilling through. It's as if I am discovering my life's work, my reason for coming here, and what I have left to do. I just, don't know how to do it. How can you feel lost and found in the same moment? Everything falling into place, but still leaving you with the feeling that something is missing. The nervous excitement builds, and although I have moved forward, I feel no closer to an answer. The answer that I've known has always been there, inside my own heart. Just one more key to open it...but I am at a loss.

I spend hours pouring over pictures and drawing them. A friend asked me, what do you think when you do that? I found that I think about absolutely nothing...I just feel emotions that I identify with that character. Maybe it's just a way to release what I feel inside, but I think it goes much deeper. It's difficult to explain. It's almost as if I move to the time when those emotions began, and in drawing the character, I am really drawing my working through those emotions and events in my life. It probably makes little sense, but that is the closest I can come to explaining it.

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