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Posted on 2007.05.29 at 14:49
Current Music: Blessing ~Deuter
I am simplifying my life. I am ridding myself of all the possessions I do not use, need, or in honesty want. It is the physical embodiment of me release the emotional baggage that has haunted me since I was a child. I do not need it for it is not who I am, so why hold onto it?

I wish I could have a garden. I spoke with my mother about throwing things away and she became very angry that I would not make the effort to keep it or bring it to her. I told her I am no longer willing to put the effort into something I don't want. Of course I would help her, but she claims not to be able to have time to come and get the things. It isn't me who is holding on, so what happens to it is inconsequential.

I tried to explain to her last night, as she was very depressed, that she has a seed of joy and a seed of sorrow within her heart and that she must be careful which she chooses to water. She became angry, saying that she normally is happy but just feels alone and like she has no family right now. She hates her job, her life, being alone, her home, her financial situation, etc. I offered other solutions and she always claimed "I can't." I told her when my students say that they write a paper on how they can. I further explained that she's already decided so she is exactly right; she can't and she never will. Life is about perspective more than anything, but she is not able to truly understand that. She says she can. She feels I'm abandoning her, when in reality I am right beside her, trying to water the seed of joy and refusing to water the seed of sorrow. But she clings to her sorrow and martyrdom as if it were her soul. It pains me to see her unhappy, but I do not feel sorry for her for this is her choice. She didn't like it when I said that either, but I didn't expect her to.

If next year goes well I will stay, but otherwise I am leaving this city and moving far away. Her first comment was "You'd move away from your mom and leave me all alone?" She said it jokingly but it wasn't a joke. In fact it was very similar to what my grandmother told her and told me. But she is terrified of becoming her mother so pointing out the similarity will only put more fear into her and not be watering the seed of joy.

I wish I could share with her my perspective, but then even if I did it wouldn't truly be my perspective for it would be through her heart that she saw things. Perhaps one day she will realize that she is already happy.


akiko_kalla at 2007-06-01 01:03 (UTC) (Link)
Oh I wouldn't say that. I've got a long way to go; each day I have to take it as it comes. There are many days where I loose sight of what I've learned.

I guess it's just like with meditating; you count to ten and back and every time your mind wanders you start over, but what matters is that you come back.

What matters is the path, not destination.
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