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What I Don't Say

Posted on 2007.05.07 at 22:12
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I'm pissed. I mean seriously angry at my administrators. Listening to my students and the harp ensemble tonight I finally figured it out. I'm hurt and angry by the situation in which I have been placed. They put me in a school with a horrible situation knowing I would work to improve it and knowing that when given the chance to leave them or continue to pull them out of it I wouldn't turn my back, because after all I am in it for the students. Instead it has worn on my physical, emotional and mental health. I have had to give up harp, likely for an extended period of time if not completely due to the amount of time and energy the middle school program will need to be successful. And on top of that, my middle school students' success has been at the expense of my elementary students' success. I have never given a mediocre performance like I did this year. Sure I had students who didn't get it or a group I wanted to "hide" in the middle, but never was the overall reading and sound average at best.

Because so much of my time was spent with middle school issues, I have neglected to make the relationships at the elementary level that I have in the past. I have also neglected to push my older students as far as they could go with performances and involvement. It shows in my attendance and it shows in their performance. What was strong is now weak and faltering. And with given me the entire program next year I see it extremely unlikely that I will even be able to consider returning as a director of harp ensemble. Harp is something that hits me at the heart, something I waited so long to do only to have it taken away and dangled in front of me at every concert. What could have been, but what I am choosing not to do. I cannot turn my back on my middle school program for if I leave the students in that situation I am knowingly allowing what I have spent so many years studying and working to build up be destroyed; I will be turning my back on what I believe in and I simply will not do that. It is not within me to allow students to fail and become disheartened when I have the opportunity to help.

But it makes me furious beyond words that I was knowingly placed in this position. Somehow I feel I've lost some piece of myself along the way and I'm searching now to reclaim it.

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