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Continued Ramblings (February 24, 2005)

Posted on 2005.07.05 at 08:21
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I need to return to earth...to this life and this world. I have a tendency to get caught up in my dreams and want to live there. It has been a long time since I have felt like this. Perhaps it was when things first happened with my brother that I last felt like abadoning this world for another, but even then I did not feel the sadness I feel now in returning to reality.

What is it about my dreams that haunts this life? Why do I feel the pull so strongly that this life isn't right? Somehow I must find a balance so that I may find rest. How easily I could become a recluse locked in my room with my own thoughts and ramblings. However, there is a part of me that desires to feel the wind, to touch the trees and to smell the grass. That half desires the contact with others, needs to feel loved and accepted. And above all, that part of me desires to make this world a better place.

I feel torn in two; one half of my soul is so old and worn and tired, it just wants to rest while the other half's passion burns so brightly my hands tremble with the intensity. I don't even know how to react anymore. I'm not sure there really is a right way to react. I need sleep and yet I have slept too much. I have no idea how to solve this conundrum.

Again, I find myself on the edge of a waking dream...looking at this world through eyes that see so much more and then the next second through the eyes I was taught to see the world through. I don't know what to think, what to believe...I would say I feel lost except I don't. Somehow this uncertainty feels right. As if this is where I am supposed to be in my life. Perhaps getting outside will help shed some clarity on this matter. I feel as if I am teetering on the brink of insanity...or perhaps of sanity. I'd say I want my life to return to normal, but I'm not sure what normal is anymore.

Like in Lord of the Rings, Frodo asks, how do you pick of the pieces of an old life? There are hurts that go too deep and have taken hold. You can never go back. I guess that is where I am at...the one thing I want--things to return as they were--will never be. You can only go forward. I've always known this, but I have not really allowed myself to mourn this. I want to start over, but that is not possible. I want to begin anew so I must reforge myself, change my own life in order to do so. The past will always be with me, and I am not sure that I will ever totally stop wishing or lose hope that things will return to the way they once were, but I can start a new life.

And so I find myself again standing on a new brink...another uncertainty. What do I do with this new life? Where is it headed? So many question I have yet to give words to and yet, I feel more set in my way to continue this path. Then again, these are just ramblings from a semi-stable mind...unable to rest until its purpose is fulfilled.

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