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The Strength to Help

Posted on 2006.08.04 at 02:05
Current Music: 氷霧流 ~Baten Kaitos Soundtrack
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I have finished the X manga that has been released (18 volumes). I will be quite upset if CLAMP does not complete this story as it leaves Subaru's story unfinished. Also, I want to see what happens to Kamui and Sora/Arashi. CLAMP is just evil, in so many ways. All I can say is read Tokyo Babylon and then X.

I have noticed that once I make a decision, the rest of me follows suite. For example, I decided not to worry so much about my path and reality and to just live and be happy. I realized how uncentered and ungrounded I had become, so I decided to return more fully here. The past few days I have been more focused here and happier. Not a fake happiness, but one that stems from a freedom that I can't quite put into words.

It doesn't mean I don't feel other things however. I was thinking today on my family. My heart tells me the path I have chosen is the only one I can live with, but it still pains me to see my family suffer. I know to help would be to fuel the suffering, but it doesn't make it any easier to watch. I cannot change what does not want to change...I just wish I believed my mother really didn't want to change. All the same, only she can pull the viel from her eyes. For my brother, although it pains me to see him learn in this manner, he is beyond my reach I feel. He has experienced things I cannot understand and he must learn to deal with them. I believe he is strong enough to come out of it and remain my brother, but it still hurts to see or know he is hurting.

Medium, healer, empath...and still I can do nothing. It is not my place and it would mean I had so little faith in others to wish to solve thier problems. Then again, I do not wish to solve their problems--I merely wish to take their pain away. But suffering is necessary at times...and I am thankful for it. Without it, I would not wish to protect those I care for from it.

And even in my resigned state, I feel more at peace with myself and the world. Although the condition of the world is greatly disturbing to me. I want to become stronger, to be able to help more. And yet I know in my heart all I can do is help myself. How selfish and foolish of me to wish for more than that. When you look into the mirror with the eyes of your soul, you see your true self--all aspects of yourself. I wonder if perhaps that image and aknowledging it is what set me free. The problem with knowledge and insight is once you have it, you cannot forget or ignore it; it becomes part of you.


kalenight at 2006-08-06 12:02 (UTC) (Link)
It's a shame that it's no longer around, but there used to be a really decent chat geared toward spirituality at http://spiritweb.org/ which has since become defunct. There was a number of legitimately gifted people and a rather minimal amount of bull shit. To my knowledge a lot of the former members have re-located here: http://www.indigocrystal.org/cgi-bin/spiritchat.pl I hope some good can come of it for you, if you haven't tried there already.

Also, Baten Kaitos is a fun game, though I got several months ago somewhere near the end when you come back to the tower with the moving blocks (so descriptive, I know), and you have to get the timing right in order to progress further. Apparently, my timing sucks. I'll return to it eventually, when I'm done sulking.
akiko_kalla at 2006-08-07 03:40 (UTC) (Link)
Hahaha! Is it in the room below the taint clouds? That place did suck! (of course the worst part for us (my brother and I) was the first part of the cloud city where the kids are playing at the beginning. We kept running up to the castle and they'd tell us you couldn't get in, but we didn't know where else to go. Finally he just happened to push to the right in the right spot and we moved to the next screen. Felt a little dense, but at least the frustration was gone. Those blocks though, you have to get them in the right order sometimes and having to carry the stupid fire can drive a person nuts. Wait 'till they all get their ultimate accesories...hehe.

I liked what I saw of that site. I love this quote, "Do not think that enlightenment is going to make you special - it's not. If you feel special in any way, then enlightenment has not occurred." A lot of places I've seen teach exactly the opposite and that really irks me. Sometimes it's like people forget that regardless of where you are at on your path that you are still living in this body at this moment on this planet. This competition thing that many people have just doesn't make sense to me, so I'm glad to finally see someplace that doesn't teach with it. ^_^ Thank you for sharing!
kalenight at 2006-08-07 05:45 (UTC) (Link)
That's the room! I'm not sure how far in the game you are, but after you get out of this ridiculous place you're forced to go back there much later on. This time the blocks are even more difficult to contend with, which is where I got hung-up. Parts of the game can be a little frustrating but at least it's the type where it's not so difficult that you're forced to consult a manual or look for a walk-through on-line. The terrible pronounciation of Japanese names also amuses me.

That is an excellent quote. Reminds me of the popular Socrates quote which says essentially the same thing without the spiritual terminology, "The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." As you said, the opposite is disturbingly popular. In this sense it's as if some people (certainly not all) will gravitate toward certain belief systems because they're geared toward ego-stroking and making them feel superior. *cough*Scientology.*cough* Superhumans, indeed.
akiko_kalla at 2006-08-07 05:59 (UTC) (Link)
We've finished it. We liked the storyline, but I do think my brother had several smoke breaks during that tower. :P

And yes, those "let's preach to stop the ego while we fuel it at the same time" type of groups piss me off. What bothers me more than the fact that these types exist is the number of people who so blindly follow it. Is society that deprived of spirituality? Have people really separated themselves that much from who they really are?

kalenight at 2006-08-07 06:37 (UTC) (Link)
I think they have, which is one of the things that bothers the most about them. They're not themselves at all, instead they're like robots who go around doing what society tells them to do, and when they can't make the cut they resort to violence and crime. They don't know what they're doing. They don't even know why they're doing it. Makes me wonder how ignorance became an acceptable substitution for spirituality. Is it really that bad? I don't understand the reason for distancing themselves from it so dramatically. You'd think that kind of thing would be mostly likely to occur when the reality of the situation is too difficult to face. Oh, yes. Free will is very terrifying. Life after death? That's what horror films are made of! Then there's always the question of how to get them to snap out of it, which is a topic of its own. I swear, sometimes it seems like they enjoy being frustrating, or at least causing frustration.
akiko_kalla at 2006-08-08 03:34 (UTC) (Link)
One thing I have wondered is if some of these "leaders" came here with a malicious intent or if they have just fallen for the secure illusion that ego allows them to maintain. Sometimes I wonder if they have all just lost sight of their goal or if they are actually achieving it. (I hope that makes sense because six hours of sleep in three days just doesn't make for a coherent mind.)

Isn't it interesting that for many it takes terrible tragedy to bring them to spirituality and their own hearts rather than letting them help in the face of tragedy?
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