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sora ga naite iru (November 24, 2004)

Posted on 2005.07.05 at 08:15
Current Music: Tobira no Mukou he ~YeLLOW Generation
I'm so upset I'm sick. This internalizing behavior of mine has taken it's toll. Now in a river of tears and uncontrollable wails, some small portion is released. So much more beyond that surface... It is like my soul is behind a pane of glass...I can see it clearly and know the emotions, but they are just out of reach. And now as the drying tears leave salty impressions invisible to the eye, inside the emotions lock themselves away again. Deep in the pit of my stomach I can feel them churning and with it, my body responds...it is too much to hold inside, and yet my body is not physically capable, nor my heart and mind emotionally capable of expressing so much pain.

And as I sit here, thinking nothing except "watashi no otouto" I realize I never have dealt with what has happened. I merely locked it away--selfishly, so I wouldn't have to feel this. I used to think it was to help others through the ordeal, but I don't know. I used to think it was so I could go on with daily life, but I don't know. It was selfish. I realize, I can't help anyone, I can't save anyone, I am helpless. The only person I can help is myself. For the rest, I am destined to be a mere viewer, watching from painful shadows with tears in my eyes...knowing that if I could, I would give up my own happiness so he could be happy.

How ironic...the day of this ordeal became final, it snowed..."the sky is crying" I said. And as heated tears slide down my face and the convulsions subside, the pure white snow is gently falling. The first snow of the winter. How odd, the english language is not what I think when I am upset...only realizing it when I lacked the vocabulary to continue a thought. One thought: My Little Brother. I couldn't save him. I couldn't help him. Pain, so much pain. I would take everything and bear it for him, and let him live freely if it were possible. And as I close my tear stained eyes, feel the lashes brush the remaining tears against each other, I see now that despite how "strong" I was being for him, he is the one that was strong. He is the one I needed, I was not the one he needed. And again, I realize how selfish it was to ask his support when he needed it the most.

Do you know what it is like to have the most important person taken from you? Do you know what it's like to not be able to even call that person? To not be able to hug them or hold them or anything if you are lucky enough to see them? Do you know what it's like to sit at the family table during holidays and see the empty seat? Have you felt as if you don't want to celebrate anything because to celebrate it without that person is meaningless? Does a simple smile from a child or hearing their laughter cause tears to fall, remembering a freedom and innocence you can never have? Do you see normal people and hear their hatred and are angered by the ignorant judgements they make, not realizing they are making their own noose? I used to love the lights at Christmas time...just sit there in the quiet at night with fresh fallen snow illuminating the sky and the soft warm golden glow of Christmas lights. I always felt at peace. Now it is a painful reminder of what is forever tainted.

I have been sick. I have cried. I have a headache. I will take a shower and sleep, if sleep will find me this night. Perhaps I will be lucky enough to dream nothing. Or perhaps the nightmares will return. Or the tears return. Trying to live a normal life is futile...it will never be normal and it will never be okay. But life will go on and I must find a way to live in it. There is no one to dry my eyes, no one to watch me sleep, no one to chase away my nightmares, no one to hold me close, no one to care about me. But I can be there for someone who needs it, even if they are a stranger. I must find a way to live with my life the way it is. After I know my brother is happy, I can change my course and find a new path. How can love so strong and deep hurt so much? I can't even comprehend what it is inside. It confuses me and I can't release it. And still, the snow falls...gently to the ground. Silently as it drifts towards the earth.

I really don't know why I'm posting this. Part of it is probably just to sort out my own thoughts. Perhaps there is some part of me who wants to feel like I am not alone and is reaching out for others who feel the same. And just maybe, part of me wants to reach out to the person who still has the tears trapped inside and coax that first tear to fall...silently, gently towards the earth. But how egotistical of me to think anything I say will help anyone. I couldn't even help the most important person in my life when he needed me the most, and I was too selfish to see it. And for that, I am truly sorry. Gomen nasai, otouto. antata wa watashi no kokoro no naka de wa totemo ookii desu. itsumo. ai shite iru.

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