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My path

Posted on 2006.07.13 at 23:06
I hate waiting. I really hate waiting. Of course it's a lot easier to be patient when you don't feel like you're connected to an electric circuit. I feel like I'm at the crossroads, but I don't know which path to take. I trust it will become clear, but in the meantime I would like to sleep.

I have been looking up information on buddhism, onmyodo, esoteric buddhism, reiki, etc. I go back and forth between wanting to do reiki attunements and not. I think I truly do not believe I need to go through such a process with another human, but the study of healing appeals to me. What I feel most drawn to I haven't been able to find much information on. I wish I could study in a buddhist temple and learn to use the abilities I already have better. I am so strongly pulled to Japan I think perhaps this may be the path to take. I wish so strongly to study but there is no where here to study even if I felt drawn to it. I would like to sharpen my skill so I could do more with them. But then, this is the real world and the time for such things seems to be falling out of favor with soceity. I try to be practical about things, but I also cannot deny the experiences in my life. I am what I am and I've seen what trying to deny that does. What use is a skill that is not used?

The financial binds that keep me in this country are annoying. I may end up going regardless and just find a way when I get there to make up the difference. I am not sure where I am going, but I think my path is not to stay here for much longer. I think that is also why despite trying to find that one person to love I have been unable to do so. Mostly I look out of boredom, not that I wouldn't pursue a relationship that I felt could be but I haven't met someone--at least not physically--that I can feel that way for. Besides, the physical is only one aspect and it is only of this realm. My soul is not what wishes for a warm embrace or a soft caress; I cannot take with me. Especially of late, it feels I only half live here anyway so I don't feel it's all that important...or something. The future has not yet been decided, but it is at my feet obscured by the mist.

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