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Growing Young

Posted on 2006.07.10 at 01:11
Current Music: The Eyes of Truth ~Enigma
Tags: ,
As a child I always acted older than my age. I took care of my brother, counselled my mother on her marriage, and stood up to my father. I never thought about the things children thought about. Consequently I spent most of my life alone save for my brother. Now that I'm older, I don't feel any older than I did at 20.

Playing in Peter Pan I had a conversation with another orchestra member the other night that got me thinking. Then after my wonderful friend invited me to go to A-con I thought on it even more. This other orchestra member was saying she didn't think men younger than her were mature where she was, so they were not compatible. I commented that between like 16 and 18 there is typically a large difference in maturity, but it was not nearly as pronounced at 25 and 35. She disagreed, saying they're at different points in their life.

I have concluded that I believe where you are at in your life is your perspective, not where you actually are. I also do not think maturity comes with age, but with experience. Maturity and being serious are not the same. I feel I am a mature person; I handle my finances, am getting out of debt, am getting in better health, am taking on the responsibility for all things I take on in my life. But I do not feel I am an old person. I was thinking and in September I'll be 2 years shy of 30. THIRTY! I don't feel it at all.

I realized I am not ready to settle down. I want to play. When Mel invited me to A-con and I was thinking of who to be, I realized how much I missed out on the past 27 years. But even as a child I would tell people you are only as old as you feel...and I guess I don't feel my age. I don't think I act immature, most the time, but I want to laugh and play. I see the world as a beautiful wonderous place, even though I may complain about it from time to time. I don't want to change that; I want to pass that on to my children.

To be able to play with my kids while they are young and teach them that being old or young is a matter of perspective and choice--not the inevitable end of your life. I'm alive and I want to really live it, why would I let a few more years of experience prevent that? I think this may also be why I don't understand my mother's constant dismissal of suggestions. She's too old for those things and I just don't understand. I will take my responsibilities seriously, but aside from that I am free to do what I will...and I will. Even at 50, she has most likely a good 10-20 years left, why would she want to spend them focused on how "old" she is instead of living the most she can?

Maybe I'm just crazy. Then again, I never did fit into any of society's boxes.


ex_rong at 2006-07-10 09:42 (UTC) (Link)
I feel what u are writing. and yes, I also never quite fit into any of society's boxes. Maybe that's why I tell you things...
akiko_kalla at 2006-07-11 06:06 (UTC) (Link)
Well, you know what they say about great minds... ^_~
ex_rong at 2006-07-11 08:49 (UTC) (Link)
blue_jean_girl at 2006-07-11 01:20 (UTC) (Link)
Hey, saw you on Anthony’s friend page.

I not only agree with you I think you have the right idea. I’ve always disagreed with telling children they need to ‘grow up’. Hmmm there should be a better way, maybe by emphasizing the importance of, as you put it ‘taking responsibility’ and still allowing them the freedom to ‘play’. I have encountered so many people that have forgotten how to play it’s not even funny, and all of them were miserable. (I’m also considering that we all have our own ideas of ‘play’.) But I have found the more free you can be with your playtime the more stress you can let go of, not to mention all of the benefits they teach you about in ‘play therapy’ (yep, there are people that pay someone to teach them how to play again!) I say why lose it? Why is it so important that we forget how to use our imaginations to enrich our lives…

Not only that it’s just cool to hang out with kids! And as an adult I love the way their minds work when they are encouraged, rather than put into a mold that they probably don’t belong in.
akiko_kalla at 2006-07-11 06:09 (UTC) (Link)
Hey, thanks for reading! ^_^ You're always bringing up good points on his posts. I just don't understand why growth requires us to get "old." But then, I don't really think I've changed that much from my childhood--at least not in how I see the world. There's enough responsibility in the world...why would you want to spend your free time angsting over the loss of youth rather than living it? Sometimes I wonder if I'm just naieve or if it's just something I will never understand.
blue_jean_girl at 2006-07-11 15:58 (UTC) (Link)
I understand completely. I met up with someone that I hadn’t seen since high school a couple of years ago, and he told me that I was ‘exactly the same’, and I think it was the biggest complement anyone could have given me. (My one rule is to always be true to myself, and it was harder then when everyone around me was ‘trying to fit in’.)

Course he didn’t know me very well, and I have changed. But I have essentially stayed the same… er, if that makes sense.

“There's enough responsibility in the world...why would you want to spend your free time angsting over the loss of youth rather than living it?”

I actually learned about ‘regression’ at age 12 and have since realized the importance of allowing yourself these moments. Just because you allow yourself to ‘regress’ doesn’t mean that you become immature. I means that you are needing something that you ‘lacked’ growing up, and that your going to find a way to fulfill that need. I watched women that lacked a father figure growing up, and they tried to fill it with their sexual relationships. Folly if you ask me, and it didn’t work out well for most of them either. I lacked the same thing and so I ended up making friends with older men that respected and encouraged me. I got my needs met, and I didn’t have to worry about ‘daddy didn’t love me’ (also realizing that it wasn’t entirely his fault, he just didn’t know how) because I had a list of men that did. Hah, and they encouraged my love for power tools! HOW COOL IS THAT…lol.

So yeah, don’t have angst, just understand what it is that you ‘need’ and allow yourself to go and get it.

Finger painting WOOT!
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