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When the Fire Inside Burns so Brightly it Dies

Posted on 2006.07.01 at 00:14
Current Music: Mystery Crystal ~Baten Kaitos Soundtrack

When I was sixteen the doctors asked me what the chances were of me never playing violin again. The pain had become so bad I couldn't physically lift my hand up in the position to play. I said none. So they told me how to try to prevent the pain and work with it. Tendonitis they said it was. I didn't care; music was my life. It still is.

Four years ago I began teaching in a district where they offer harp. I had always wanted to play since my music teacher brought it up in the third or second grade. My parents spoke with her and decided it was not financially possible. So I played violin in the fourth grade. After speaking with the harp director, I starting helping with rehearsals. Music is after all, music. This past year I really started focusing on playing and taking lessons when I could. In the spring I had the opportunity to attend a national convetion where they had harp workshops. I cried, realizing I had spent 18 years on the wrong instrument. I do not regret playing violin, but I do regret the time that I have lost for harp. There are many moments I can no longer experience.

Last year the pain became great enough of a concern to send me back to the doctors...then a specialist, then a physical therapist. Cause: unknown tension. Diagnosis: Tendonitis that requires continual physical therapy. I cannot afford it, but I can do most of it at the gym, which is why I started lifting weights. I haven't been able to for I have been out of town and so tired from rehersals for the current musical, Peter Pan.

It used to be just my left shoulder. I could trace the tendon all the way down my arm, accross my elbow and down to my fingers. It felt like my arm was on fire and no pain killer or anti-inflamatory could quench it. Tossing and turning the ache kept me awake, never enough to really cry from pain, but enough to cry from frustration of being on the verge of such pain. Now, my other shoulder is having similar symptoms. It starts with the neck and goes out to the joint and then down my arms. And yet, I cannot stop playing in the middle of a show.

So the show goes on and the pain continues. I will not go to the doctor unless absolutely necessary as there is little they can do anyway. Surgery is more of a risk and probably won't help. So as I squint through the pain, the tears I feel are not caused by physical pain, but the pain of seeing into the future that cannot be. Always so close to touch the dream if I had but a moment longer. All to soon it is just out of reach. I am greatful for being so close, and yet so empty from not being able to touch it. I will continue to play through the pain, but as symptoms get worse and my body grows older...

Anything is possible, and I will remain hopeful. All the same, I must aknowledge the fact that the future I fear may come and sooner than I would like. How do you deal with the loss of what is at the center of your life? It's not like losing someone, although that can be just a devastating. It's difficult to describe, like a part of yourself dying. I do not know how to deal with it...or if you really can.

On a different note, I think I like this layout better.

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