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Posted on 2006.04.11 at 22:45
Maybe it's spring, maybe it's close to the end of the school year, maybe my mind is made up in regards to some things, maybe I have let go of some things, but I'll be damned if I'm not on the threshold of another spiritual surge. Why couldn't I have just decided to take things one at a time rather than a leap at a time? I meet people, talk to people, read people's posts and the information starts to swarm in. Just hearing/reading the word angel or seraph makes me itch. And I don't want to sleep at night...not that that is new, but I had been doing better with it. I'm not upset, just worn out.

It's mostly a comforting feeling. Like when you're used to having someone beside you and they are gone and finally return. Things feel more "right." The odd thing is despite all the crap that continues, I feel more balanced. I used to be so overly emotional that I would cry right there, or just after, hearing a person's ordeal. Today it scared me though. A teacher was explaining the horrible conditions her grandmother is living in due to Medicare/Medicaid. She said she didn't feel guilty, but I still think she does. She said she made a promise to never let this happen and she feels she should be there but has to work instead. Normally I would have...I don't even know what. But I was oddly removed from this and I'm not sure what to make of it. I felt them around me, and I felt something from me go to her, but I'm not really sure what was going on. My demeanor wasn't very open I don't think, and I don't know why. It kind of bothers me and they keep letting me know they're around, but I'm so tired.

The visit to the doctor this weekend pretty much said it all; I've been ill for nearly three weeks with the same stuff I've had all year. I, someone who has only had a fever twice in 27 years, was running a low grade fever. Being as my normal temp is usually a degree or two below normal, that says something to me. But once again, the doctors find nothing. I want to rest but that seems to be when they come in and start pulling on me to study this or do that, etc. Oh well, there's always summer to sleep I suppose...

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