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There is only me...

Posted on 2006.02.13 at 20:49
Current Music: Right Where It Belongs ~NIN
Tags: ,
So, I went on a date Friday. I also had a student who is almost scary to work with and I don't really know how to handle. And I had a principal resign and a school totally fall apart. It was a busy week.

So I went on a date. It made me realize how happy I am single. Mostly he talked about his Republican conservative views of the world. He actually said that the German people voted for Hitler because they wanted the same thing he did and knew what he was going to do to the Jews. I asked if he had ever spoken to a German and he said no, but if they disagreed they were in denial. He's been in the army and is now a private investigator. Wore a suit jacket with his t-shirt and jeans complete with a gold ring with a fake red stone in it. Not that my staring at the cars going in and out of the parking lot would have been a clue I was uninterested in his conversation, but the saddest part was in almost every action--the way he ate, the way he walked, the way he talked, etc.--he was about as flaming as you can get and still convince yourself you are just meterosexual. My guess is either his religious views or his conservatism prevent him from dealing with that aspect of himself, and that truly is sad. He had some knowledge of anime, but it was limited and as much as I try not to be nitpicky some of his mispronunciations and incorrect word usage just irked me. I'm not one to play games as I find it childish, insecure and utlimately stupid, but I was so bored and wanted to get a more direct response rather than republican bull, so I made a comment about the Bush administration's view on education and followed it with "but what do I know, I'm just a stupid woman?" He said yeah and went on to talk more about what they were aiming for...apparently he is not that perceptive of a person either. It was apparent he has generous self esteem and loves to hear his own voice, which is great. I think he already has found the perfect person; himself. If he dates himself he will never be bored by conversation, always be satisfied with how his mate looks, and never have to worry about losing an argument because he's misinformed or just plain close minded enough to miss the point. The thing that bothered me the most about him was he felt so cold and so put off by the idea of doing something for the betterment of humanity. He only sees his world and is unable to put himself in someone else's shoes...including seeing that the United States is not always right and other countries are not wrong because they disagree. He wasn't a total prick, but his soul functions on a very base level and I want nothing to do with that. I don't mean that to sound arrogant, but he is definately not working to better himself and the world he lives in; he has decided he is already perfect and the rest of the world should figure this out.

So as some of you may know, there is a student of mine who was recently hospitalized for threatening to kill another student. He has no emotional bond whatsoever to any human being. Look up Asperger's Syndrome and that's many of the signs he demonstrates. He has no friend and when mom came to school to pick him up to make the day special so it could be just her and him without his siblings, he had to be begged to go. Her only goal for him however is to raise his test scores. He spent two weeks in the mental ward and is now back with new meds that we're waiting to see if mom will mess with these as well. Oh, he's also like Bi-Polar, Depressed, and ADD. The thing is, he does not feel any remorse for anything...in fact it's almost as if he enjoys causing difficulties. That combined with his disorders makes me worry about his future. He's 9 years old...when he goes to middle school no one is going to take this much effort to get him to behave. The thought of what he could easily become is quite scary...and the fact that he knows my name and where I teach.

I am hoping to do some more work on my story this week or next. Between waitressing and after school stuff I haven't had time to sleep hardly, much less focus on a creative outlet. A principal at one of my schools resigned and then the staff began arguing with how she didn't support them and she back about how they didn't support her. Then the secretary and paras started in on it and the secretary said the teachers weren't teaching they way they should and went into it about her being black and etc etc etc. Meanwhile the kids are sitting their with their heads down hearing this...school started an HOUR late. I'm so glad I wasn't there and that my kids were pulled from that place for a field trip. Not only was it unprofessional, it was just plain petty and stupid. I'm so sick of other people's drama--just grow up and think about someone other than yourself. The principal is removed and the school was almost eeriely quiet today.

Lately I've been seeing a lot of movement and so has my kitten. It might be time to burn some sage again. I haven't really had time to try to see what is going on...perhaps in the next couple of days something will develop. I can tell I'm about ready for something--don't know if it's a shift or just another message or just a reminder that there is a much bigger picture than this level of existance. Time will tell as they don't normally leave me alone for long once this starts. I just don't look forward to the itching and sitting with my hands on the floor, but there are worse things.


anthonyjaycee at 2006-02-14 06:44 (UTC) (Link)
This part made me laugh:

"but what do I know, I'm just a stupid woman?" He said yeah and went on to talk more

Since you're a teacher, you can appreciate administering the...


Question 1: Sarcastically pretend to insult yourself. See how guy reacts.

(a) Complementary sarcastic reply: "Yes, and since I'm just a 'stupid guy,' I don't know any better either."
(b) Trying just a little too hard to garner affection: "Aww, you're not stupid."
(f) Agrees and keeps talking: "Well yes (that goes without saying). By the way, the Bush Administration also has a new plan to..."

And, of course... the letter grade of the test equals the reaction... (a), (b), or (f).

For the record, I was kind of down, given the whole "being single, and on Valentine's Day, no less" thing... but, to be completely honest, it's far better to have online friends like you around, than it would be to be going out with the female equivalent of the guy you described.

Plus, free novel editing and comma removal. You're the best! ;)

I actually have been reading up on Asperger's Syndrome a lot recently, partially due to my Mom having ordered two books about it for me. I'm still trying to decide to what extent I have Asperger's Syndrome and to what extent I'm an empath. Both/each seem to apply. But I don't recall ever having had that "no remorse" problem... there's calling people on lies and weaknesses in an attempt to help, and then there's actual desire to do bad things to them just for the heck of it... pretty different, I think.

As I recall, people with AS have brains which are neurologically wired differently. Hence, they can operate extremely logically, but it's hard for them to understand anything subjective and personalized, like people's differing value systems, and what's going to make them feel happy or upset. I guess your student is experimenting with what to him is a foreign world, watching bizarre irrational reactions and studying them scientifically.

Hmmm... empathizing with a bigger picture than this level of existence, and feeling that something is definitely going on. Well, I have to admit that my own life dramas (mainly the financial thing) seem to be reaching a crescendo, so I'm "burning them out," at least I hope. Sometimes it's kind of like, "okay, is there anything I can do and/or pray for that's fix the whole freaking world already, or at least get things more on track so that it works again, since I'm really, _really_ getting tired of it." But yeah... looking at the theory that, say, some people are in the process of ascending, and other people seem perfectly happy with Earth "as is," then hopefully things are changing soon, and, like, maybe we're closer to ascending than it may appear. The Matthew messages and What's Up On Planet Earth both updated again today, interestingly enough... hopefully providing some more insight (or at least another angle) on where things really stand. My heart seems to agree with a lot of it... my mind has to build conclusions off of what I see in the mainstream news. But, if my heart's not right, then what the heck can I _really_ trust, when it really comes down to it? I don't know how long the "craziness that is planet Earth" deal can go on. All that selfish drama, like you mentioned...
akiko_kalla at 2006-02-14 13:34 (UTC) (Link)
Well, I was just curious as to what he would answer, it wasn't going to change what I thought about him at that point. He had pretty much given his views on things and I guess I was just seeing if I presented it to him more bluntly if he would see what he was saying or not. The same thing with asking him if he had ever spoken to a German before.

People with AS are unable to read nonverbal cues. They also have a lot of difficulity with empathy as they haven't learned to tell when another person is in pain, upset, bored, etc. They can learn to analyze things and respond better, but whatever the wiring is to help them read these cues is not present. The problem I see with this child is that he has no interest in learning and has never broken free of that stage where yourself is the only thing the matters. (Can't remember what Erikson called that stage...will have to look it up.) So yeah, I'm concerned about his future.
anthonyjaycee at 2006-02-14 20:20 (UTC) (Link)
Ah, the power of satire... one of the best instruments I know of for invoking social change. Getting the person to realize his or her flaws in reasoning by exaggerating them enough that the flaws are obvious... helping them laugh at themselves.

And I didn't even get into writing satire from realizing that, but more so because it's just so darn much fun! I'm trying to get going on a satirical romance novel now, along with working on the query letter for Final Warrior.

One theory I have about myself and AS comes to light from what you noted... the thing about not being able to read nonverbal cues. My Mom relates the story where my Dad would say something like, "if you say one more word, I'm punishing you!" Then, I'd literally say, "one more word." Hence, the assumption that I was _so_ bad as reading cues that I'd provoke people that much.

But, perhaps there's an alternative explanation-- maybe I'm so _good_ at reading cues that I often know whether a person is angry or not better than they do. I think a lot of people read surface cues like body language, and assume that the anger is "real" because of them. But, with empathy, it's kind of like, "yeah, I see and hear the anger, but it's not real, so I'm going to play around with it."

I'm still working out that theory, though. But you reminding me of the "AS people not seeing nonverbal cues" thing helped bring another piece of AS into the mix, thanks.

My parents used to call me lazy and selfish... last weekend, my Dad said I'm definitely not selfish. I guess the massive lack of career/workplace ambition (if I don't feel I'm doing anything worthwhile in the job) indicates that. I have to wonder about how to reconcile the "lazy" claim too, though...

Anyway, on the subject of outrage and frustration with the world these days, I think you might enjoy this:

ex_rong at 2006-02-14 09:11 (UTC) (Link)
And we are in similar situation. The new guy whom I've just met recently, is something like that too. Sometimes I think its best to bring a tape recorder, record down their voices and let them hear it.
akiko_kalla at 2006-02-14 13:34 (UTC) (Link)
I still don't know if they would get it, but that is a good idea. ^_^
maat_ka_ra at 2006-02-14 17:45 (UTC) (Link)
whoa that sounds creepy. best of luck...
i swear we mustve went on a date with the same dude recently LOL<3
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