Log in

No account? Create an account
December 2017   01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31


Posted on 2016.12.13 at 00:20
Tags: , ,
My paternal grandfather passed away today. At the end of the day I found myself just wanting to be around people but they needed me. So I listened and answered their questions. And when they were tired I let them go to rest...only one knew what had happened.

I'm at that stage where I feel but don't feel. Where you cry but laugh. And it frustrated me to say I have a concert so I can't be at the wake. Watching my maternal grandmother die over three weeks was horrific, but this...I was watching my grandfather lose himself. I couldn't go see him at Thanksgiving because I was ill but now, I can't see him again. I'll not hear him talk about me to me when he doesn't recognize me, or hear his stories from his past. So much is lost.

I don't want to go to school. I want to sleep. My body is shutting down--physically, mentally, emotionally. I have concerts to prepare for, but I don't have any interest. I'm a level of exhausted only grief can evoke. Yet I still smile and laugh with those around me.

I can be such a liar. I've held this in from most and have freaked people out when they found out how serious something was later because they had no idea. I don't like to wear the facade because it's too convincing and I do not want to believe in it rather than myself. But I've put on a smiley face button and taken the words said to me to heart so the façade will be up...except with my students. I can't hide this from them.

Really, I just don't want to be alone. It isn't a conversation or anything in particular that I am looking for, I just want to feel connected to life and humanity; to feel somewhere I matter. If I matter, my grandfather's life mattered for it influenced me.

I just want someone to ask if I'm okay, to be close and to want to be by my side. I need someone to tell me it's okay to sleep.

Previous Entry  Next Entry