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Posted on 2015.11.22 at 22:04
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I am thinking of finishing the book I started writing several years ago. I'm not sure why it's bugging me now to finish it, but I keep feeling like I just need to complete it. I'm not even expecting it to be published or anything, but just feel the need to finish. I will probably be the only one to ever read it anyway. I also have the children's music short story several people have told me I should send in...I just don't have any idea where to begin with that and again, I don't really feel anything I've done is good enough to actually be published and sold. I suppose it doesn't really hurt to try though...if I can figure out how.

I must be going through some sort of life change again, or something. I find myself drinking lots of herbal teas, eating ramen and grapes or other simple foods, sleeping less, writing more, etc. I have also decided that online dating just doesn't work for me. I really gave it a go this time, but most seem superficial at best or simply not someone I would be interested in. I even opened the parameters way up and still nothing. I officially give up. Moreover, the questions they have you fill out seem to be ones that don't really let people know who I am. Or if I was to answer them fully no one would spend the time to read them.

Really it would just be nice to have someone to discuss life with and maybe curl up next to, but mostly converse. But I have chosen a path that has closed the door on relationships and have lived my life refusing to stay in a relationship if I was not in love. I place my career first, my emotional and mental needs above my physical desires, and refused to let insecurity or loneliness affect my decisions. I think the best way to sum this up is I have always walked the path I felt I could live with and while I do not regret it, some days it becomes tiresome and lonely.

I have also found a large amount of my time this year spent helping others rather than doing things I am supposed to do with my plan time, like actually planning. I find myself doing more and more at home, but oddly don't feel unbalanced by it anymore. Maybe it is because I can multitask or maybe it is because even at home I prioritize my free time ahead of work when I bring it home, but I seem to be adjusting to it now.

It's almost Thanksgiving and frankly I don't know what I'm doing or really want to socialize. It isn't that I don't want to see friends or family but I just don't want to be around people who don't understand me right now. I can't hide myself away from the world forever, but I just don't feel the holiday spirit right now. It's just very awkward when you know no one really understands you and is only discussing either topics they are interested in or only half-paying attention to yours.

I also need to get my butt in gear and take the GRE so I can complete my graduate admissions for this summer. JL insists I get my masters before she retires so I need to get started. I'm not really sure why she said that, but I do understand it will help me financially. I'm just struggling because I don't personally believe a piece of paper denotes my knowledge or quality as a teacher. But I am excited about taking the coursework with one of the professors. He's even looked into extra classes I can take to align with what I am really interested in; orchestra curriculum.

For now, I shall drink my tea and finish my lesson plans. Tomorrow is a full day of teaching and then helping another teacher after school.

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