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Posted on 2015.05.17 at 22:31
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Just realized that in the past five years or so, the most physical contact I've had with anyone is with the various doctors poking and prodding me. Kind of depressing.

Does everyone else have epiphanies like this? Or am I just that isolated from mainstream society? Maybe I unconsciously send out a vibe that keeps people at arm's length. I have so much love to give someone, but no one seems to even notice. I've had people mention before that I need to lose some weight to find someone...my response has always been that whoever comes to love me must love me for who I am. Maybe I have been too idealistic. Even so, I don't think I'm capable of being with someone that shallow.

It hurts when you want to share your life with someone--to laugh, to cry, to tease, to dance...to look at the stars, to share my wonder of nature, to take care of when sick, to have minor annoyances...but I remain invisible.

And yet, I'm not unhappy. More pensive because of the pending surgery. No one even notices though, so I just keep moving forward. I don't think I know how to stay in one place. Perhaps that is the one thing I hope for; to find someone who will make me forget everything and never want to leave.

I have been told before, that spiritually my soul is very bright and will draw darkness towards it. At that moment, it was said as a reason to protect myself but I wonder now if it transcends metaphor; do I only attract those who need help so I can try to a positive impact and send them on their way? Leaving me perpetually in a state of happy loneliness?

I want someone who will drive with me to the middle of nowhere to watch the stars; I want to go to the aquarium and drag someone by the hand as I run excitedly towards the glass like a child; I want to laugh at some nerdy joke and have to explain it only to laugh at how it's no longer funny; I want someone who will stop me mid sentence to kiss me; I want someone who will make my heart pound by whispering in my ear...

Most people are satisfied with a complaint on something small or a smile and encouragement. They never take the time to look beyond the veil. The veil isn't even that thick--just pay attention. I normally love to laugh and support others and the complaining is a coping mechanism to avoid serious matters and blow off steam. But...I'm not noticed so I'm the one who holds others, but not held herself. I guess people really do see what they want to see and don't concern themselves with others much.

I guess it's to be expected. I chose this path...I just didn't anticipate I would be this alone on it.


foxy_brown4 at 2015-05-20 17:29 (UTC) (Link)
Catching up on your entries. I definitely relate on a couple things:
-feeling pensive about surgery, and unsure about the outcomes. Will it actually fix the problem, and what will they find while they're in there? Sigh.
-absorbing negative feelings and tension around you. I wrote about a concept called "composting" awhile back. Taking those things from others that are being projected onto you and giving it back to the earth and turning it into something good, new positive growth. Also recognizing that it isn't yours unless you want it to be.

I've been thinking about you and your upcoming surgery. Something helpful, my aunt insisted on arranging to have some meals delivered from Hyvee each week for us in the form of freezer meals from their catering dept. They have been quite yummy and convenient. Tons of leftovers.
Super helpful.
And when you start feeling better and mobile, I'd be happy to take you grocery shopping and do the grunt work for you. Or just hang out if you're wanting a visitor or to get out of the house for a bit! We said we were going to hang out last summer and we never did!

I think your last day of school is tomorrow! Yeay! (NW's isn't until June 8th. I plan to be at Frank's for a little bit on Friday. Hope to see you there!
akiko_kalla at 2015-05-21 03:35 (UTC) (Link)
Yes, I plan to be there, probably not as long as normal after this week though. Super stressful week.

Anyway, I will look into the freezer meals...it would be a lot easier to warm stuff up than make it. My mom will be with me for a few days, but after that I'm pretty much on my own.

I'd love to get together--definitely going to do it this year! I have a feeling I'm going to get stir-crazy being in this apartment all summer. They are hoping to do the surgery laparoscopically, but I have to be prepared to be cut if they have issues given the severity of the disease and other organ involvement.

Yeah, the kids' last day is tomorrow, which is good because they've checked out. I remember that post about composting. I can be really bad about the emotions of others when I'm stressed. Be the wave and let it pass through you...do not reach for it or try to hold onto it. Definitely not as easy as it sounds!

And thank you! :)
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