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Posted on 2014.05.30 at 00:46
Current Music: Weatherman ~Tori Amos
Tags: , ,
Dear son,

I am sorry that I cannot feel you grow inside of me.  I am sorry that my body cannot support another life.  I often wonder if you would have my eyes; if you would be adept at music like me; if you would love to read Lord of the Rings.  I am sorry I will never hear your voice as it changes, be there to cheer you on at games, help you with your homework, and watch as you learned to stand on your own.

Dear daughter,

I am sorry I will never get the chance to meet you.  I wonder would you keep your hair long like mine; would you also be born with red hair and freckles; would you share the same love of nature and all things that grow?  Would you have an aptitude for languages like me?  I am sorry I will never hear you singing to yourself, I will not be there to see you fall in love or help you with your first break up, to play video games with you, and watch as you grew into someone who loved life.

You are very much wanted.  I need you to know how much I want to love you...to help you through all the difficult times; that your laughter would light up my days and your tears would always find comfort and strength in my arms; how I would be your biggest supporter and push you to do your best;  how I would want that above all, you find your own happiness and path in this world.

It is difficult for me to talk about, not being able to bring you into the world and raise you.  The one thing I have wanted the most my whole life, I will never be able to fulfill.  It is still a very bitter taste complicated by the fact that I am alone.  Most men I have met have no interest in a woman who cannot conceive.  There are days when I feel the pain acutely, but more often it is the love that threatens to overwhelm...to have no one to give it to, no one to care for, no one to give purpose to my life.

The bitterest part is having to accept there is no one who wants the love that is inside of me.  I do not want a child for company; I want a child to raise someone who can see their own beauty, strengths, weaknesses, and who will find their own happiness.  This world needs more happiness and more people who know that it comes from within, not without.  I want to help them on that journey....from dirty diapers to potty training to sharing with others to doing homework to eating well to dealing with adolescence to finding their own way.

And so I set out to do what I can with my students and give them some piece of this love.  But I need you to know my desire to have you will never diminish and the love I have for you only grows.  Though we have never met, I miss you terribly.  All that I am I would trade to be your mother if I could.


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