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Posted on 2005.12.03 at 14:48
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Heh, maybe after concert season is over I can actually have time to post again. Anyway, there was recently a discussion on a forum about the poster's cousin being raped by her boyfriend. Everyone started jumping in saying how horrible, that's awful, etc. Not that I disagree as far as raped is concerned. But this really got me thinking about some things I dislike about our world. I do not think it right to assume there is only one side of the story and that the other side is totally devoid of any humanity. Even the most hardened criminal is still human, and things like this are rarely cut and dry. Many times these things are about power and control and almost always are due to a traumatic event, abuse, or mental disorder/imbalance.

This brings up a point that bothers me greatly about this world--thus my post. We are so certain that those accused of a crime are not only guilty, but the scum of the earth that we forget to see them as humans. We don't even TRY to see through their eyes or understand. That's fine until it happens to you or someone you know. I'm by no means condoning what may have happened in this case, but there is a bigger picture and a human element. Things are NEVER black and white. When a criminal committs a crime against another person like this, normally the criminal has de-humanized the victim. Also, a victim has a choice...to remain a victim and keep the mentality of poor me or to move on and say I will not be defeated by this. I'm not saying that's an easy thing to do, but it's far easier to remain a victim than to wake up and realize you're allowing yourself to stay that way. I don't feel sorry for those with this victim mentality. If a crime is committed, nothing will change that fact but when we take away a person's humanity when dealing with the criminal then how are we so different?

Also, I understand that people express grief, trauma, etc. differently and some need to talk about it. However, I don't think posting this at a public forum was appropriate. Trauma requires time and effort to heal and bringing it to a forum with people of all backgrounds and ages will not help to heal, only to keep anger, pain and hatred alive. What I have seen so far, most have agreed with the poster and put in their own name calling or furious reactions, preventing healing to occur. In order to heal we must work through the emotions and let them go, not continue to focus on them.

Then I started thinking, how would I feel if I was raped and then found my cousin discussing it on a public forum. Would I feel better for this thread having been created? Would it help me heal more to hear more names being called? Would that take away the pain? Would getting angry at the people who disagreed make the truth hurt any less? If it is not for the healing of the one you care about I see little reason to try to get people thinking on such a horrible event, especially when only one side is presented.


se_ga_hikui at 2005-12-04 00:04 (UTC) (Link)
I have to say, that if my cousin had posted that information, I would be mortified, not helped.

Things like that, especially when it did not happen to the poster, are inappropriate for a public forum, that is not geared towards personal things [like LJ].

And it's completely possible that her cousin was willing and initiated the sexual conduct, then, not wanting to be misconstrued as a "whore", said that her boyfriend raped her.

But that may just be me playing Devil's Advocate.
se_ga_hikui at 2005-12-04 00:04 (UTC) (Link)
Sorry, I shouldn't say that the original poster was a "she". It just seems like something a girl would do...ahh yeay gender stereotypes.
anthonyjaycee at 2005-12-04 07:09 (UTC) (Link)
I more or less completely agree with what you're saying-- people far too easily latch onto victim mentalities, and/or getting extremely outraged after hearing just one side of the story.

Someone close to me-- a male, and definitely a good person in my book-- was recently painted out to be a stalker, by the supposed victim of the stalking, his ex-girlfriend. I was talking to him on the phone, sympathizing with him, and I basically asked the question, "I wonder how many stalkers out there are _created_, in that they're actually rather good people, who are simply misconstrued by paranoid, fearful, screwed up mindsets on the parts of other people?"

One can probably generalize this to any perception of "I'm good, someone else is evil." Like you said-- things are NEVER black and white.

I actually wrote a post recently that's somewhat similar in spirit to yours here, except I was discussing child molesters instead. Here:

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