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Posted on 2012.04.18 at 19:00
Current Music: Lament of the Highborne ~World of Warcraft Soundtrack
Tags: , ,
So, despite crap that keeps popping up to deal with and the uncertainty of the future, I still feel positive.  Just going to go with it.  I get really depressed for a bit and then the positive kicks in.  I'm just glad I'm not falling deeper into depression each time something comes up.  

On another note...my body feels like it's so off balance I could randomly fall over.  Like half the time I feel like I'm only half awake, getting headaches, feeling nauseous, having the digestive issues I've been having, being sleepy, etc.  I'm not really sure what is going on.  I called the doctor to ask about the blood tests and biopsy but no one has returned my call yet.  I'm not sure how to take that...I had assumed they were negative but was just calling to be sure but now I'm wondering if there was a problem.  Perhaps not with me, but like the tests had a problem or something.  

I really should be depressed...I realized when I tried to go out for an evening--like dinner and a concert type of thing--that because of my condition that is not really a possibility for me anymore.  I'm completely alone--my friends all live elsewhere and I have no one in my life that is special to me.  I want to have a child more than anything and I probably never will...even if I tried.  I have an incredibly stressful job and am constantly picking up other people's slack (although I do love the teaching part--there I go being all positive).  I am stuck in this apartment where I can hardly afford the rent yet everything keeps going wrong.  My car is having problems and my financial situation is not going to really improve so I can't afford a car payment.  

I'm stuck in so many ways in my life, but I don't feel unhappy.  I don't really even feel stuck.  I'm not sure what that means or if I'm just in denial.  Or if I'm learning to deal with things better.  Or if I've just shut down because I can't fix everything.  I do know I wish I wasn't so isolated.  I really don't like being alone.

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