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Late Night Thoughts (March 20, 2004)

Posted on 2005.07.05 at 07:55
Tags: , ,
After a few conversations of people who don't understand why I get so upset by things, why certain things bother me, etc. I decided to post it here and then if there are any questions, they can leave me a comment, rather than flaming the fire.

I care about the condition of this world and each creature on it. I have seen countless examples of people being mean and rude with no reason. How many times have I watched an old woman carrying presents during the Holidays and someone bumps into her in their impatience and the presents fall. People continue to walk by as she slowly bends down to pick them up. That is the condition of the human race right now, and that is what I want to change. Even when I was at work, I'd stop to help someone in that situation. When people have that little thought for others, is it any wonder that children grow up with few values. All they learn is it only matters if you get caught, otherwise you can get away with it and it's ok.

Creulty to animals is another thing that pisses me off. Animals in general are far less capable of hurting you and often act out of fear of you. If you get a bird and it bites you, because HELLO!! it's wild and doesn't know you, you don't throw it against the wall and break its wing. You don't just throw trash out your window or do things knowing that it is absolutely terrible for the environment. Sometimes to function in this world, you can't get around it but many times you can if you want to. Put your trash in the trash! Why is this hard? Why can't we seem to do that in public restrooms?

I've seen a lot of things in my few 25 years and although life could have been much worse, it was no piece of cake. I simply do not understand why people don't see that for every action they take or do not take, for everything they say or do not say, for everything they think or do not think, there is a reaction in those around them that spreads to each life on this planet. I am fully aware when I teach that I must be careful in what I say, that for some children I may be the only positive thing in their life right now and to be either too harsh or too lienent could damage them. I cannot change their lives, no more than I could change my own growing up. I can either devote my life to trying to stop abuse or finding new ways to make their lives better and to reach the parents, but that doesn't help them now. I have chosen to devote my life to help them through these difficult times. Not that I'm a wonderful teacher and not that they listen to what I say, but perhaps for some of them, I can be the one person who didn't walk out on them, the one person who didn't just give up on them. If nothing else, I can provide a safe place twice a week for 45 minutes. I can't change the fact that they don't have parents, but I can affect what their time with me is like.

Case in point. I have a student who I am very concerned about. He gets angry very easy and has even hit another student and almost hit me. He screamed in my face, eyes buldging and was ready to strike. I was at eye level with him because I was looking at the cello. I had no reaction, I just blinked and said, "Do not yell at me." He then of course got a discipline report, but I did not have another problem like that. However, he continues to get angry easily and often teases girls a little too much, etc. He frequents the office. In class, if students behave within my rules I give them stickers. He almost NEVER gets a sticker. He's cried because he wanted a sticker, but because I want him to learn, that you won't always get away with things I do not give him one. He finally got one and was so proud of it. That may very well be the only one he gets all year. But after two years of that influence, just maybe at some point the lesson will sink in. If nothing else, then he KNOWS that there are people who expect more out of him than his family. I pray that he doesn't fall into the wrong crowd in middle school, as he is so desparate for acceptance and "friends." But that is his choice, as much as it would pain me, I cannot live his life. I have tried to give him as much as I can to help him make those decisions, and that is all I really can do.

This world will not be changed in day, a year, ten years, or maybe even a hundred years. All I can do is try to give positive experiences to those around me and help them in hopes that they can in turn give more positive experiences to others. I'm not saying I'm going to change the world. All I can do is change mine, but perhaps that will help others see their own worlds differently. To those that don't understand why I care so much, the above is why I teach and why I act the way I do. Why I feel so deeply and so strongly, I don't know. I always have, and I suspect I always will. My whole life I've been told I'm too sensitive, but I've not changed that because I think everyone else is too insensitive to the world around them. Don't blame me because you've closed your heart. I will not close off mine. Yes it will bring much more pain and yes, I am leaving myself open for disappointment and sorrow. However, it also leave my heart open for much more joy and love. I may get down at times, but I always come back up because I know that I have made this choice. I am choosing to feel this pain so that I may feel the opposite joy when the time comes. I am choosing to feel for those around me so that I can understand them and help any way I can. To understand others is to understand ourselves. I've had a lot of crap happen in my life, and it's wounded me deeply, much deeper than anyone knows. But in the end, if I choose to lock away those feelings rather than feel them, I am denying myself the opportunity to move on with my life and grow from the experience. If someone hurts me or something bad happens, and I close my heart to deal with it, then that negative influence has won. If I allow myself to experience it and hurt, then I can start to move on within myself. The pain I'd imagine is much worse this way, but it is the only way I know how to live. I am happy with who I am. If you have a problem with that, it will remain just that; your problem. I may react at first, but it will not last long. I live my life freely with my heart open and hopeful. If I could show you the joy that brings, perhaps then you would understand.

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