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The Truth of Freedom

Posted on 2011.07.25 at 23:00
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I was watching Criminal Minds tonight and one of the quotes was "‎Better to write for yourself and have no public than to write for the public and have no self." (Cyril Connolly) That pretty much sums up this journal. As much as I've talked about my voice not mattering to some of those I work with, I wonder if this is partially true for when I speak. A lot of times I'm talking through an problem to solve it and it really has nothing to do with the people around me. I am learning when to speak and when not to speak, but it is difficult because people are not honest. People become very concerned about the "public" or "audience" that they forget what the point of speaking. I'm not suggesting we walk around saying every thought on our minds, but people really need to be more honest with themselves--especially when it's something that is causing pain or strife. Speaking the truth, accepting the truth, and living the truth brings true freedom.

This summer has gone by fast, but in a lot of ways I am ready to go back. Especially after this weekend, I need to get back. All the same, I'm glad it's not quite yet as I've managed to get sick. I'm not even sure what this is other than just some weird bug. Nausea, malaise, headache, vertigo, and being extremely tired no matter how much or regular my sleep. It's very annoying and uncomfortable. On top of it I've damaged my voice from screaming the other night, or it's another part of the illness. Oh yeah, and the endometriosis is no cooperating so I have difficulty separating symptoms.

I've gotten a lot done this summer, but I still have so much to do and it feels like I won't get it all in before the school year starts. I need to calm down a bit and relax, but I'm sick and that's pissing me off. And I'm supposed to be preparing a presentation with another teacher on the "new" grading system the strings teachers will be using. My goals for the next few weeks other than to keep up with cleaning and such: clean the table off, finish ALL the laundry, catch up on email, organize DVDs, and finish getting stuff ready for school. I really need to not be sick but at least it's not the start of the school year and I'm like this.

It's really weird because there is some piece of me that is just sitting back unconcerned about anything and next to it is the piece that is almost paralyzed with financial worry. I guess at least if I have to have the neurotic part at least I get to have the tranquil part to balance it a bit now. Before I didn't have that. Still, it would be nice if they could cancel each other out rather than stirring up an internal tempest.

Despite that, I am so happy to see my kitties after being away for the weekend. It's amazing how much you miss them when you are gone. I have also missed my bed. It's not much, a Japanese style futon, but it comfortable. Speaking of which, I'm off to try to sleep--maybe I will be able to wake up feeling better.

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