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Hummingbird in the Darkness

Posted on 2011.07.02 at 02:48
Current Music: Infra-red ~Placebo
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You know, despite what everyone may say or think and despite my quest of self-discovery and occasional unwillingness to admit it, I truly do know who I am. Still, it's a little disconcerting to see it spelled out so simply and so clearly.

Life Path Number-6 Your Path will lead you to build a warm home life and a stable, rewarding career. You live responsibly and learn to maintain a balance between what you give and what you receive. You are sympathetic, caring and able to give good counsel. These are qualities others will come to you for many times in your life. You see the beauty in the world and in those around you--enjoy your vision.

I spend a lot of time creating my emotional "home" but it's not the physical building in which I reside so most people don't understand. For example, my livejournal is part of my "home;" part of me. My other "home" is my career that I put all of my energy into. It is at the core of who I am. I believe very strongly in seeing beauty in all things and learning from all situations, no matter how grim they may be. It is probably the most important thing I hope to share with those around me. With that perspective comes strength to hope, to dream, and to create your own path through life.

Life Destiny Number-1 The 1's destiny is to be independent and lead others--often where no one has ever ventured before. You will develop a very strong sense of self and force of will. Your courage will give you the confidence to take action while others may cower. You were truly meant to be a leader, and as long as you do not become overbearing or dictatorial, people will gladly follow you.

I am incredibly independent, probably too much so for my own good as I refuse to depend upon others, and sometimes I don't trust others for the same reason. I don't mind being the odd one out usually or presenting an idea or speaking out when others will not. But I hate the leadership as I really don't want the attention of it. I can handle the responsibility and I don't mind it, but I didn't ask for it either. I think it comes off towards others that I am seeking it when I really am not.

Soul Number-2 Your inner desire is to create harmony and balance. You loath conflict and will do anything to avoid or resolve problems. You are warm and loving, and your skills at solving the problems of others is a blessing to us all.

Oh how many times have I told people competition shuts me down and how I abhor discord. People think I thrive on it, but I absolutely detest it. It physically makes me ill. I just don't comment on it. Like with leadership just sort of being part of who I am rather than what I am asking for, being able to weather the storm does not mean I am "thriving on conflict." I frequently get people who barely know me asking for advice. In truth, very few know me all that well. "I just felt I could talk to you" or "I feel like I can trust you" are common sentiments I get from others. I can't really speak to if anything I say really helps; in the end it is a person's own decisions and strength that carry one through anyway, not the help of others.

Personality Number-8 The 8 Personality is ambitious, influential and powerful. They radiate strength to the point of seeming larger than life. 8 Personalities are destined to lead others. They are balanced and slightly conservative. Their confidence assures others will have confidence in them as well.

Again, this is the trait I dislike about myself because I did not ask for it and I don't really want it. But I am unable to just stay on the sidelines so I will begrudgingly admit that this is true. I do seek influence and power. I want to make the world a better place and help others realize their dreams, but it doesn't change the fact that I need to be in a leadership position to do so. It is very much a part of who I am as improving the world--be it in larger terms or individual lives--is more or less what I view as my purpose for being on this planet. I am here to help heal the wounds of broken systems, prejudice, hostility, society, and neglect. To enable me to do that I must seek influence and power, but I still don't want them for their sake alone. It does mean I am constantly questioning myself to keep myself balanced and in check, lest the corruption of influence and power leads me away from my purpose. Because I wish to heal, I accept the responsibility of my decisions. It is arrogant of me to assume I know what is better, so I am constantly questioning myself to try to counter that arrogance as it has no place in healing or true responsibility.

Maturity Number-7 A 7 Maturity Number marks a life lived following a path that is divergent from that of others. You will spend your life seeking the truth behind everything. In your later years you will continue to pursue knowledge of your inner-self and universal truths. People will seek you out for your knowledge.

The truth. This has been true my whole life. I never fit in, never acted my age, never thought the same, never saw the world the same, etc. The truth is the only thing that has brought me freedom from the negativity and sorrow of this world. It isn't always pleasant, but it is constant and real. Always the eternal student seeking truth...that is my future.


It's difficult to explain myself to someone. According to personality tests I am INFJ/INFT, literally half and half in the judging and thinking category. I can't really put my entire self into words, but the core of who I am isn't really that complicated.

I'm deeply spiritual being strongly influence by Catholicism and Buddhism. The philosophy of my life is Buddhist, but I still maintain my Catholic foundation. I believe in the soul and angels and spirits, and feel at home in prayer or in a cathedral. However, I see Catholic prayer as more a meditation. In fact I don't see that Buddhism and Catholicism are terribly different. I follow the path of compassion, which people sometimes mistake for timidity. Buddhism has brought me to see the truths in life and in who I am, and I draw upon it as the strength to keep forging my path.

I am here for a purpose and that purpose is as a healer and guide. Sometimes I quite literally want to put my hands to the soil to heal, other times I heal with words. This is why I teach and why I teach where I teach. My purpose isn't about me, it's about what the world needs. I'm not arrogant enough to think that I am making some huge difference, I only hope to improve as many lives as I am graced enough to touch. Healing is a two-way street and I have no real control over others. All I can do is hold the candle and fight the darkness, the rest is up to others.

In order to hold a light to the darkness, one must have a certain amount of strength and resolve. It took me a long time to figure out why that came across as arrogant or painted me as a strong personality or leader. I never asked to be a leader and really could care less what others think in that respect. My life has never been about me. However, because I want to heal and guide; because I feel the need to hold the light, I must have the power, strength, and influence to do so. I seek it as a necessity, not a desire which people often misunderstand. It isn't because of arrogance either; it is because I genuinely feel this is my soul's plan for me in this lifetime. I must however, fight the arrogance of even that statement. My greatest resolve in my faith is truth, and I would be lying to say arrogance has never gotten the better of me. I however, accept full responsibility for these instances and do all I can to atone for it. If you have ever experienced a formal apology from me, you understand. I also found I have to be very diligent to make sure I do not abuse that power. Someone who uses words and influence to heal can easily use them to hurt. It is a huge responsibility, especially given the fact that I am human. I am just as susceptible to all the failings as the next person, and I am not arrogant enough to think myself immune. So while I fight darkness around me, I also fight it within as well. But I say that just as a statement of fact; it is the path I have chosen and I do not regret it nor do I wish to be painted a martyr for it.

Truth is the foundation of what I truly seek. Knowledge is my desire. My thirst for knowledge is unending and I am constantly seeking the truth behind everything. I have to remind myself at times that others are not like this and I may come across harsh or impersonal, which is counterproductive to the path I have set on if I do not filter it effectively. I believe the truth will heal, but I also believe that people must be ready to hear and accept it. I choose my words carefully to present the truth in a way they can hopefully accept at the moment and then later realize the impact of the words I left them with so they can realize their own paths. One truth that is hard for me is my expectations of others as I try not to assume or expect. I expect others to have high morals, be true to themselves and those around them, to treat others with compassion, and to take responsibility for their own paths. My expectations are my folly, but I believe that maybe someday many generations from now it will not be just a dream. I refuse to lower my expectations when every human is capable of giving it, and that is perhaps my greatest sin of arrogance.

Despite so much of my life being caught up in my chosen purpose, my home is extremely important to me and I do not tolerate any discord well. Just like with leadership, I will not back down or become weak, but it eats away at me internally like a corrosive poison on my heart. It takes a lot of time to expel that from me...in fact the negativity at the place where I work took two years for me to expel only to realize I was not yet strong enough to be resilient to it under stress. That won't happen again, but it still took that long and made me physically very ill in the process. Because I already have so much internal vigilance, I need my home to not require it so I can rest and heal myself. Home is my mom, dad, brother, cats, and a handful of close friends and activities. Music, livejournal, drawing, writing, and walking are typically the activities. I do have a few select people (like two) at school that I consider part of my home, just because their support has been invaluable and they are very important to me. My students also form part of my home, however a different aspect. They represent "why" and while I do not actively seek them for support, their existence and happiness is probably the biggest support I have.

It's odd to see things spelled out so simply in numerology, but then again I don't really think I'm that complicated. I think a lot of people think they are complicated and I used to feel that way too. I realized however that it wasn't that I was complex as much as I just knew myself when others often didn't even think about it. Basically I seek the truth and try to help those around me with compassion and truth. I use the leadership and power I am given to try to better help those in need. Those I consider my home are extremely important to me and I would risk anything to help them. Competition, negativity, arrogance, discord, and the like are an insidious poison to me and I will respond to it with equal revulsion. Most importantly though, I want to teach the future to see the beauty in all things. This is the greatest truth that I have discovered. All life has beauty within it. This world is a beautiful place, even in its most desolate environments and most tragic of circumstances; there is always beauty. If you do not lose sight of that beauty, the darkness will never overtake your heart.

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