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The Illusion of a Smile

Posted on 2011.06.28 at 17:29
Current Music: Your Call ~Secondhand Serenade
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Anytime we read a story we often relate to some characters more than others and those characters tend to be the ones we love or hate. So it came as no surprise to see a thread about "which character do you most relate to" on a forum. When I started to look at why...I guess I didn't realize how honest an answer I was giving as it wasn't based upon my liking of a certain character. I didn't want to get into specifics on a forum of strangers, so I'm posting the more-real version here. Both characters are from D. Gray-man.

Kanda I relate to the most, at least on the inside. My past isn't pretty and was a series of me having to stand up and fight through it. Then came the devastation of ten years ago, which I'm not getting into or this will take forever. Through that I basically lost the most important person in my life--my brother. Even now it's a struggle for him to want to live. I'm haunted by feelings for someone that can go nowhere and what is not possible, and I don't fully understand them. I only trust a very very few people. I think entirely too much of others, but have learned I must first take care of myself to help--I have no naive desires for martyrdom. I often come off harsh or overly serious because I value truth and don't deal well with excuses--for others or myself. In fact I am incredibly harsh on myself if I find I am at fault. Just ask anyone who has received and actual apology from me, which thankfully few have I felt I hurt enough to do that. I do not accept help well at all and I'm not used to nor will I depend upon others, even at my own expense. I find solace and balance in meditation and Buddhism. I am frequently misunderstood because 1. I keep others at a distance, 2. people don't take the time to know me vs. the facade I present, and 3. people make assumptions and do not truly relate or understand, although they are well meaning. I can be moody, particularly when I try to explain I am being misunderstood because I often realize halfway through I can't force someone to see or feel or think differently. However, I truly care about others and have a deep respect of life and nature. I do have some difficulty in expressing my emotions, but my moral compass is quite high and if I feel a situation unethical I have no problem fighting with full force.

However, I present a different face to others although it too is part of who I am. On the outside, I am more like Lavi. I think others see me as headstrong, stubborn, passionate, and intelligent--or at least knowledgeable. They can see I have genuine concern for others. They wrongly mistake other traits for confidence. I truly am a playful person but usually it comes out as teasing until you get to know me. I frequently have moments of clarity and vision that surprise others, but I can be blind-sighted. I have never appeared, in my inner thoughts (on the rare occasions I speak them) or actions from my heart, to be of the same chronological age as my body. This is complicated by the fact that I often see the world with the same innocent wonder of a child, but it soon alternates to intense sorrow for the suffering that plagues humanity. People often don't know what to say because I feel things so intensely and while they may care, they really don't relate. I may cry for the state of the world one moment and the next am filled with laughter and joy at the simplicity of another aspect of life. I think it really confuses people, but I must balance them because I believe the truth will set us free to overcome the suffering and yet I must laugh so the fight does not destroy me. I don't live by society's standards or vices, and I do know myself even if I don't want to admit it. Physically I'm like Lavi too, being born with bright red hair and loving sleep more than just about anything. I'm also always reading and taking note of those and the world around me. However, above all else, I think the greatest similarity is that like Lavi, I found that my smile became more than just an illusion for others.

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