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Walking Imbalance

Posted on 2011.06.18 at 17:44
Current Music: Language of Silence ~Deuter
Tags: ,
While walking down the street it hit me...many of my current issues are because I am still living in a cycle of fear. In the past it was survival, but now I am continuing the old behaviors despite what has changed. I think this is where the anxiety is coming from. I don't feel a threat to my survival, but I'm still functioning within that mindset; trying to head off every obstacle before it presents itself; trying to predict all the possibilities to prepare myself. Ultimately this is only causing friction in my life and with those I lean on for support.

I think this may be what she was trying to tell me, but didn't understand the situation enough to voice it directly. When you grow up in fear I guess you learn to live your life in fear even when you aren't afraid anymore. I didn't realize I was still living it like this...and I'm not entirely sure how to change it because I've never lived differently. I asked for guidance and I did receive it, so I must trust that guidance will be given in this as well.

Despite not knowing the way, there isn't fear. Perhaps a little regret that I didn't realize this sooner, but not fear. I can see my feet in the lamp light, and perhaps this is a lesson to not be able to see everything clearly. I need to move away from myself anyway; most of my life has been spent focused on others to the point my health forced me to focus on myself. Now it is time to find the balance between the two I think. I'm always balancing two opposing or conflicting forces it seems, perhaps it is my perspective. Perhaps I need to find ways they support each other instead. If I keep a skewed perspective eventually it will falter anyway as it will drift away from reality until it becomes in conflict. Physical balance, emotional balance, mental balance, spiritual balance...I need all of these things.

Emotionally I'm fairly balanced now although I will always need to work at this because I feel things so acutely. Mentally my balance is much better, but again I must work to keep it so--and it's harder to focus on this without external challenges. Physically I am working on balancing my life. Spiritually I am feeling the pull back into my beliefs and I think they will ultimately help balance the other three. Still, I hope she is patient enough with me to continue to give support despite my setbacks. Right now I'm stumbling along the path, but I will find my footing.

In another way I do not completely understand the karmic relationship to this person, but I also don't feel the desire to over-analyze it. Thus I over-analyze the lack of analyzing. It's one of the few things I don't question and that doesn't upset me in the least. Perhaps if I understood why I could apply it to other parts of my life...but I'm not sure it is something I am meant to understand. Like I said before, it's like coming home even though I can never actually be at home; my soul is at rest. I just wish I could return the support...not to be needed or special, just because I want to be there for her too.

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