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Necessary Understanding...or Unnecessary Understanding

Posted on 2011.06.12 at 00:18
Current Music: Language of Silence ~Deuter
Tags: ,
Exhaustion can be a funny thing. After all the financial stress and closed doors, I'm too tired to think about it much. It's not like worrying until I have a heart attack is going to help anyway. I guess there is a part of me that does trust something will work out. More because I will figure something out rather than fate, but whatever you want to call it I do put some trust in it. That and I am so incredibly tired.

Sometimes people just don't understand the toll what they are asking you to do takes on you. I don't think it's me specifically, but I know I struggle with it personally. No matter how destitute and shitty life gets, I refuse to let that completely take hold and turn compassion to bitterness. There are days this is very difficult for me and there are days I have to vent so that I can let go and move forward.

I found a new tarot spread regarding relationships, not necessarily romantic--just in general to give insight. While I'm not sure I really believe it, it does occasionally make me think. One of the cards is about how the other person sees you. I have my share of unflattering traits, but especially in regards to one person it keeps saying strength. I don't really think of myself as strong, just stubborn. I only feel strong if I'm protecting someone. However, when I look at some of the things I vent about and where I am currently at in life and my attitude toward it...pride isn't the right word, but if someone views that as strong that makes me feel I'm somehow on the right path; that I haven't screwed up my entire life.

A lot of people think I'm pessimistic. I just have a good dose of realism I think, but I'm not pessimistic. Here's why: I may appear to focus on the problems, but that is so that I can find a solution--that I believe there IS a solution. I may vent about things beyond my control, because to me, venting about what is in my control only delays my action to correct it. Most importantly however, my biggest frustrations in life are because things are not as they should be--that I can see and strive to make the world around me, and myself, as it/I should be. People misunderstand idealism. An idealist can become frustrated--I'm human after all--but they keep working towards it anyway because they believe it is possible. An idealist is both pessimistic and optimistic, or in some cases further removed so that neither really apply.

In talking about our habits of mind and teaching thinking to students, it requires one to think about one's own thinking and learning; one's own habits of mind. I've taken enough tests, workshops, and lived long enough, to know that my habits of mind are not like most people's. What I try to stress is that no one person's is better--but please don't try to invalidate mine because you think differently. I'm constantly analyzing how I think; most people just accept it as part of who they are and only look at it when asked. This is probably why I don't assume as much as others. Again, not good or bad. My lack of assumptions causes frustrations of its own...just as making them do.

As I become more mindful of my speech and actions at the time they are occurring, I see where the other person is coming from more and more. Unfortunately it seems to distance me even further from people and they understand me less. But then I'm starting to think being understood is perhaps less important; that it's only really important to me if a few select people understand. Perhaps that's the point; what am I really accomplishing with all of it other than frustration and further separation? Hmm...more thoughts shall be formed on this I think.

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