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Foggy Thoughts

Posted on 2011.06.05 at 18:53
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I really try to be a good person and do the right thing. Sometimes it seems like no matter how hard I try, things stay the same. People judge, people gossip, and people devalue. Often people assume they know me and what's going on with me based upon a few things I've allowed them to find out or know. No, I expressed myself to you to relate to you and show I was a human being. It's an effort to try to fit in with the rest of society and while it works for a time it ultimately doesn't change the fact that I simply don't fit in anywhere.

It never ceases to amaze me how short-sighted we can be as humans--myself included. There are times where I have to step back and see beyond my own feelings and thoughts. It would be nice if on occasion people did that for me. I'm really tired of the assumptions, preconceptions, and animosity. Not that anyone reads this, but here is what is on my mind at this moment.

Researching the pain I'm experiencing. Realizing I will have to make a doctor's appointment on Monday and possibly go back on a medication I have tried to get away from because it can make me gain weight. But the pain is disabling. The condition isn't going to get better, it's something I have to live with and it's not something doctors understand fully. I have three options: live with it unaided, use medication to try to help the symptoms and progression, or remove the organs associated with it. On top of it, I most likely cannot have kids because of it. It is also effecting other body systems. No I'm not dying, but the pain and situation are quite real none-the-less.

So I try to research and think of ways to improve the situation and overcome it. Focus my energy on keeping a positive outlook and place my hope against the odds. Then I go to school and throw all of myself into my work and teaching. When I come home, what do I come home to? I don't have a family or roommate, I don't have anyone to help me deal with things--I never have. And when I have thought I found friends, true friends, 95% of them didn't stick around long enough to even get to know me and help with smaller issues. I have a handful of friends I hold very close and dear, but none of them really live here or are available.

I try to be there for everyone, even if they aren't my friend. Sometimes that gives people the impression that I think we're friends; I don't. I just don't high tail it out of town when someone has a problem--if you did that to me we aren't friends. But I don't believe in holding grudges--I feel that only destroys the person holding it. I don't want anger, pain, or negativity inside me any more than it has to be to experience life. Thus I reject it as soon as I realize it is building inside me. Granted I may have to be speaking about something and hear myself say something to realize it's there and that this isn't who I want to be, but I get rid of it. I just believe in treating others how I think everyone should be treated, not how I was treated.

So why am I thinking about this negativity? Because I'm in pain for one and have been for two days. I've had very little sleep because of it. Also, I need to talk about it to work through it and transform it from something negative into something either positive or at least useful. This is what people get confused about...they listen to words and instead of taking them at face value, they go off of their assumptions and intuition--intuition which is often off at least in regards to me. I can count on one hand the number of people who have actually been accurate about their intuition in regards to me, my motivations, or my thoughts during my life.

When I speak, I'm not excluding myself--rather I'm speaking from experience. That experience is usually rooted in my spiritual beliefs, not some egotistical way to get ahead in my job or show my prowess. I could care less what position I held or what title. I only care about a handful of people's opinion of me and if it will get me what I need to help others. My focus is always on others. I do not want to be in the spotlight, but I want to help things improve. I will take the lead, but I do it out of frustration that no one else is as I abhor disorganization. I will risk being in the spotlight and ridiculed if I think it will help the cause--usually my students. But it has nothing to do with me--I don't care what you think about me or if I get some sort of recognition; I want the situation to improve or to help others. Why this is a difficult concept I don't understand. Even in that, people would be offended thinking I say that out of arrogance when in reality I say it because I honestly do not understand.

I think back on things I have been told and read...that my soul was so bright I needed to be careful as negativity would be drawn to it like moths to a flame; that people would become embarrassed and potentially lash out at me because I was truly acting altruistically; that no matter what happens to me I must be strong because others would not understand and to have the strength to look upon them with compassion... And I try so hard. I'm not unhappy, just in pain and focusing on the wrong things. Sleep and medicine will hopefully help. Right now I just hurt and when I hurt this much my mind wanders to any small thing that bothers me and it's hard to see anything clearly.

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