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Tired of the Struggle

Posted on 2011.05.22 at 22:31
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So I'm tired of everything being a struggle in my life. I do believe a lot of life is perspective, but sometimes things are what they are no matter how you look at it. Basically I'm tired of feeling trapped. I am actually in a better position financially now, even though I am in bankruptcy. However, they keep raising my rent and because I'm in bankruptcy I really have no where to go. There isn't anyone I can live with here so I would lose my job if I can't find a place to live or get evicted. My car isn't in the best of shape and I worry it won't last that much longer--and I can't take out a loan to get a new one. Because I have to travel between buildings for my job I have to have reliable transportation.

I'm trying to save money, but it's so difficult to get ahead. I've hardly spent any of my refund out of fear that I won't have money to eat at some point. It's just a horrible feeling. I was reading about bankruptcy and how it is designed to make you live like a normal person, just without excess. It talked about having cable and such...yeah well I live barely above the poverty line. I don't have cable or a home phone. All I have is internet. I don't have have money for clothes, or going out each week, in fact I don't have money for helping out with social things at my schools much less my professional membership fees. And rather than complaining about it, I just listen to people make snide remarks about me not participating or only bringing treats to inservice meetings twice during the year instead of more like others--and I almost NEVER eat any of the treats, but they don't notice that.

I listen to people talk about how hard they have it with two incomes in their household, tell me I should join a dating site, tell me I should get out more... I haven't seen a movie or been to a movie theater in years--I don't even rent videos. My idea of going out is usually making that $10 bottle of wine last two weeks and eating the Chicken Parmesan Smart Ones microwave meal. I'm sure I could find some place to live in a dangerous part of town for a single woman that would require spending five times the gas to get to my job. And no, if I get evicted I don't have a place to go...I am either homeless or jobless. I don't have parents I can go to. And not that many people read this journal, but if you are and you haven't said something like this I'm not talking about (or to) you.

The only happiness I have is predominately from my job and that is the one thing that is constantly jeopardized in all of this mess. My nerves are on end and I can't afford a doctor visit or medicine to calm them because the stupid insurance spending account has my funds tied up until they get around to reading the fax they've had for a week. Not that I would use medicine for that anyway, but it's not even an option.

I'm 32...when is life supposed to get a little easier? When are things supposed to start turning around? My whole life has been one struggle after another and it's just gotten worse and worse; I'm tired of it. It makes me wonder what the fucking point of all this is. And no I'm not suicidal, I'm pissed, frustrated, and depressed that this is all there is in life and all there will be.

I just want to have SOMETHING go right and have SOME semblance of happiness. But I can't even have that because what I want more than anything is a family. The person I've fallen for isn't available and no one else is remotely interested. Even if I can conceive I can't afford to have a child on my salary. I'm so tired of watching people coast by in life because of luck and privilege and then listen to others who have it better off than me talk about how I have it better off than them, or how I'm not doing enough as everyone else in a better situation.

I'm in a bad mood and I need to just go to sleep and shove it back down again and regain my perspective that happiness is what you create, because right now I don't feel that way. I'm just sick of struggling constantly; I need a break--just let me enjoy my $2 Chicken Parmesan and cheap wine without being a nervous wreak. I just need to be able to REALLY sleep--without incessant worry.

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