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Loneliness, welcome back old friend...

Posted on 2011.04.18 at 21:41
Current Music: Here (In Your Arms) ~Hellogoodbye
Tags: ,
So I've devoted my life to walking forward and it's getting harder and harder to not look back. I know there's no point in looking back. Too many things have happened that I could not control, things I can't erase. So far my biggest regret is that I do not have a child. The fact that I feel that biological clock ticking isn't helping. Neither is knowing that I really can't financially support one on my own--at least not and actually be there to be a parent. It's a dream I'm not ready to let go of...and since I also refuse to be with someone I don't feel a strong connection to, finding someone to spend my life with has also been quite the challenge.

I try to have faith in all that I do...and I do believe that good will outweigh bad, that love is greater than pain and anger, that light is stronger than the darkness...but life has taught me that there is no happiness except what you create yourself. I always thought a child would be part of that happiness but it looks as if that isn't going to factor into the equation of my life. Compounded by the fact that I may not be able to conceive to begin with...I'm struggling to deal with it. It's bad enough to be alone, but to feel you have to give up on the one thing you want more than anything (at least for yourself)...

I never thought wanting to love someone unconditionally, loving someone more than anything including myself, would be too much to ask in this life. And asking for someone to love me, the real me, back is far too much now. Seeing other people happy makes me happy...but the pain seems to grow instead of diminish once the smile fades. Is it really too much to have someone in my life that keeps the smile on my face?

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