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Changes: aka My Body Rejects Sleep

Posted on 2011.02.22 at 00:46
Current Music: Waves of Light ~Deuter
Tags: , ,
Okay so my body just refuses to fall asleep before midnight no matter what I do to fall asleep, including staying up the previous night to fall asleep the next. *Sigh* I think I just have a lot on my mind.

Ever feel like you're on the precipice, almost ready to tip over but not quite sure if it's into a better time of life or worse? That's how I feel. Things are changing and the roller coaster is about to crest that first big hill...but I have no idea what type of ride I'm in for.

One of the most recent changes is I am now a healer in my guild for World of Warcraft. I was a little hesitant because I want to do well at whatever I do and shadow was really all I knew. However the other main healer has a lot of faith in me and is a good teacher. He and I get along well, which I think is also important since we will have to work together and coordinate things, and eventually anticipate each other's actions. Communication between us is usually very open so suggestions will be helpful rather than accusatory. Tonight was the first night (I've only healed for a week and am still under-geared) I really enjoyed it. I'm finally starting to figure some things out and have a new mouse to help me cast spells more quickly. I don't have to worry about a dps meter and stress over doing more damage than others. I'm excited to get to work with my friend and to get to learn a new spec for my class.

My teaching has also changed. I think by doing a very specific clear-cut routine each day with my students, something clicked into place. Because of this I'm able to focus on making music with them, not just teaching them how to play the notes. The artistry is starting to show and it's exciting. It's inspiring me to revise my teaching to get even better--that's why I completely rewrote the curriculum I have been using (again). Two years ago I wrote one because of the lack of one that was functional. This year I took what I have learned and rewrote it and feel it is much closer to what I should be doing. I think a curriculum is something that is ever-changing and evolving as the teachers and students grow, but there needs to be something in place for our students to reach the ultimate goal of their education. For me, that goal is to be able to perform in a community orchestra/church group/etc. or be able to continue their musical education in college if they choose to do so. You really have to start at the end to know how to start, which is something I see a lot of people struggling with although I don't think they realize it. This year will complete the third year of curriculum writing, curriculum classes and workshops, and implementation. It has really changed not just how I teach but how I view everything.

My orchestra has changed. I have had people comment about the students' growth this year. This is frustrating for me because it was always there; the problem wasn't them it was me. My teaching, and attendance, was inconsistent. Thus the students gave inconsistent performances. If the teaching had been so negligent before, my 8th graders would not be where they are at now. I am by no means defending my previous means of instruction--I would never go back to it, but there was still growth. This year perhaps there was a lot more...I honestly am not the best judge of that as I am too close to the process, monitoring every step so what seems like a jump to them is like normal progression to me. I was a little disappointed at our last performance not because it was a poor performance--indeed it was a great one--but because I had heard what they could do with the expression and they froze on stage. This is perfectly normal, especially since they never had a piece to practice that on in front of an audience. But while I hear compliments, I can't help but want to say, "Yeah, well you should hear what they can really do!" I am very proud of them.

I have changed. Somewhat. I still am passionate, verbal, and compassionate. Perhaps it is better to say I am returning to who I have always been after a long hibernation and venture through a very dark time in my life. Tragedy does that to a person, especially when it is lined with betrayal and abandonment. I think most people didn't know how to help me and the one that understood the most really couldn't. I've received a lot of good advice and I used it, but I think the one that helped the most was "to smile everyday." She told a story of how a principal commented she never smiled so she, being a smart ass, got a smiley face button and wore it every day. Eventually she understood what the principal was saying. If you force yourself to smile everyday you start to feel better and those around you do as well, even if everything around you and in your life is being torn apart. I still get frustrated and angry, but I'm able to separate that a lot more. I have my review with her next Monday. I think I am going to record my 8th graders performing our new piece and show her what they can do.

Speaking of which, as we go through life we learn whose opinions matter and whose don't. My boss's opinions don't matter that much aside from not wanting to piss her off too much so I keep my job with minimal hassle. She's burned so many bridges with me and I almost pity her because I don't think she understands just how destructive her actions and words are; she's destroyed any professional relationship with me. My middle school principal's opinion matters because she was there when others should have been and because of the respect I have for her. She seeks to inspire her staff through inspiration and education, not by yelling at them if they are lacking. That I admire in a leader. She demands a lot, but she does so in a respectful way, something most people don't seem to understand. I respect my superior who is not my boss. She goes above and beyond what is necessary and has a good heart. She is also demanding and has high expectations, but she is always working to find ways to make things better. While her honesty can be unpleasant at times, she is constant; I can trust her to be honest and to not let me fall into complacency. I admire my co-worker at the middle school for his organization and management--something I don't think I could possess as he does no matter how hard I tried. He too is honest and demanding. He is good at analyzing things and figuring out solutions. I know I can always trust his opinion and advice.

On a more personal level I feel I am awakening into who I was born to be. My spiritual beliefs are resurfacing and it's like I can literally feel my heart opening to life again. I think I had been hurt so much by so many that I closed myself off, not wanting to feel anything. Now, I guess you would say I have found some peace with that suffering; knowing that it exists but is something of which I can let go--I need not hold it in my heart for it is not who I am. I still struggle when the storm comes, but I am much more at ease with riding the waves and simply letting them pass as best I can. Sometimes that is very hard depending on the storm, but I'm getting better at it. I'm also deciding things for myself. My emotions are what they are and I don't need someone to validate them like I once did. If I make a decision, I decided it for me. This is probably most shown with my recent decision to stay by the side of someone who will probably never reciprocate what I feel. That doesn't matter; what matters is that I am there--it makes me happy to work with her and stay by her. People get so confused over emotions that are really quite simple. Happiness is something you create and it comes from within not without. I enjoy my life whether I am teaching, playing WoW, or working with her to achieve a goal. My problems haven't gone away--indeed they are in some ways getting worse, but I am not my problems.

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