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Damn You CLAMP

Posted on 2011.02.04 at 00:07
Tags: , ,

Argh. Why Subaru? I know it's CLAMP, but still. I just saw the final confrontation between the two. So very sad. Tears are in my eyes and I both hate and love CLAMP. What a scene to go to sleep to: Subaru talking about what people say on the brink of death, is it true? He thought he needed to get stronger so Seishirou would kill him but he misunderstood. And that damned Boku wa kimo wo *SILENT MOVING OF LIPS*

Subaru was too kind and gentle for Seishirou to let him kill him, but he knew he loved Subaru. He probably knew that Subaru would love him even as sakurazukamori, the Subaru might try to find a way to save him from that fate. So he disappeared, watching Subaru from a distance while Subaru mourned his sister and try though he might was still too kind to hate Seishirou for it. I think he knew Subaru wouldn't move on, he'd be trapped until there was an end and the only end Seishirou could live (or die) with was to be killed by the one he loved. But what worse fate for Subaru than to be so kind you can't hate the man who killed your sister only to kill him unwillingly? Horrible horrible pain. And then to finally have someone you love so deeply finally utter the words you thought they were incapable of...realizing you didn't see...

Fucking tears. I even cried at times in Tokyo Babylon from the kindness of Subaru. It's just so terribly sad. And unless they finish X we won't really know what happens to him. And while I would like to think he finds some peace if not happiness in this world I really don't see it. Even the bond he has with Kamui, if feelings of closeness became more than platonic I only foresee more pain for Subaru--following in the path of Seishirou. I only see him avoiding any feelings for fear that it would bring the same fate. I believe in Subaru's heart, but to a fault. He wouldn't want to hurt anyone, even if that meant hurting himself the most. He would blame himself for the pain his disappearance would make on Kamui hoping Kamui could find happiness on his own. Just like Seishirou, missing the point of truly loving someone.

Although, Kamui is not Subaru. Kind yes, but definitely not at all like Subaru. Still...I believe in Subaru's heart and pray he will find peace. (And not in TRC! Even though it was nice to see him mostly undamaged.) Ugh, finish X! And so here I am crying over manga/anime when I should be asleep. And yet every time I read/see it I learn something different.

And even so I think about my own life, while nothing like Subaru's, knowing what it's like to love someone so deeply and feel that bond but know nothing will come of it. Feeling that defeat and choosing to be by their side anyway. What the hell is wrong with me?

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