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Stress vs. Guild

Posted on 2011.01.23 at 21:22

So. I'm in a guild on World of Warcraft. I'm the only female in it, I'm the only shadow priest in it. When the expansion hit (where you can level and get new gear) I fell behind because it was in the middle of concert season. Now I'm preparing kids for festival. The first part of festival is Tuesday where a clinician comes to work with my orchestra and rates me. My review with my boss is based upon that rating and the recording she makes of that workshop. Two weeks later we perform in front of all the other middle schools. The past two years have gone poorly despite the fact that when I started three years ago there weren't enough kids to give a performance and they couldn't even make it through a piece of music. On top of that, the person who taught me how to teach is the one judging me this year. The only person I would care about more would be my orchestra director from 7th-12th grade. Add to this a week and half of instruction lost due to snow days, being sick with no voice, and trying to lose weight.

I'm a bit stressed. The last thing I want to do when I come home is get on to that game, knowing I'm behind and not going to be able to raid (fight in a dungeon in a big group) with everyone because of it. The guild I'm in wants to do end game content and so do I, but I'm behind and I know that. Despite that I was not the reason we weren't getting the bosses down; the healers kept having connection issues and I was helping heal rather than fighting. But now that their connection is fixed they got them down and some of the more elitist people in the guild looked at the damage charts and said my damage isn't high enough. Whatever. They just want to get stuff down and that I can understand--don't like it but I get it.

My problem is no one would just tell me that. They kept pussy-footing around it. So then when it comes out I get angry and complain to my brother who goes off the deep end (he's an officer in the guild). He still thinks it's because I'm not going that I'm upset. No, I'm pissed about the reasoning, but whatever. I'm upset because I wasn't told the truth the first three times. While I've played video games my whole life, I'm the one that solved the puzzles and did maps, not the one that swung the sword. Even the character I currently play, despite it being one of the more difficult classes to learn, is suited to that play style. To be successful you must know the fights, choose the right spells in the right order and recast at specific times to maximize the damage. A simple mistake is more costly for a shadow priest than for some of the others, although Blizzard is changing that somewhat. I get frustrated because others don't understand that, but I like to play the class because it's not boring.

My brother has no idea what pressure I'm under at my job and while yes everyone has a job, most people's job is just that: a job. They want to do well to get money, a raise, praise, etc. I want to do well because I feel I am making a difference in the world and if I feel I am not doing a good job I feel I am making an equally bad difference and it weighs heavily on me. I don't want praise, money, etc. (although I'd take it if it was offered); I want to help the world around me be a better place. I don't need this job to do that, but I have chosen to do it through my job. People really don't seem to understand that and that's fine, but my god.

If I want to not play WoW if I'm not raiding and read/watch Tsubasa Resevoir Chronicles to inspire me and refuel my passion that is not a bad thing. I have every right to be annoyed I'm not getting to play yet again with the people I log on to play with and I should be able to vent that without someone going fucking psycho. I'm working really hard at not taking things personal--especially being in a guild of guys who make personal insults but don't intend them to be personal. I don't get that logic, but a lot of people are like that and I'm working to just let it go. Really hard when I need to vent and someone immediately says I'm freaking out. No, I'm just bitching. Let me bitch, get it out and move on.

I guess my brother is just not a good person to talk to; he can't just listen. He tries to pick apart everything that's wrong with me instead. Then wonders why I get defensive. Then wonders why I am pissed that he's pissed I'm upset. What. The. Fuck. Is he really that dense? It's like he's incapable of listening and maybe making one point or two calmly, just saying something thought provoking, and letting it go as me venting. And there's not anyone else I can talk to that actually would understand the situation because most of my friends don't play. It's driving me nuts.

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