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Posted on 2010.11.20 at 23:35
Current Music: World of Warcraft Azeroth's Fortune Loop
Looking at the past few years...I've lost myself somewhere along the line. By trying to "fix" me, I left who I was behind and now I wonder if there was anything that really needed to be fixed.

My spirituality is gone...it used to be so strong and real. The beliefs remain, but the strength behind them is distant. I don't like it but I'm not sure how to get it back. Every other time in my life when I would push the spiritual side away something would happen to push me right back into it. This time even the spirits are leaving me alone and it is more painful than I realized.

It's like I'm a spectator rather than an actor in my own life. I'm not sure how to restore the balance. They say thing cannot go back to how they were but is it really true? In my heart I know it's true, but some part of me is holding on and hoping I will find myself again. It wasn't just the fun of mysticism...it is part of who I am; or at least who I was.

I was thinking about past friendships and realizing how few of them were true friendships. Realizing how alone I really am. It never bothered me before, but now I feel on the verge of tears all the time. I know dwelling on past pains and betrayals won't help, but if I just move forward nothing heals. How long do I have to spend in this purgatory before I can breathe again?

I feel something pulling me down, I almost want to give up just so I can rest and stop fighting it. But even though I don't believe things will get better in my life, I don't have it in me to stop fighting. I need spiritual guidance, but that too seems to have forsaken me. I can't give up, but I don't know how to keep fighting...I don't know how to overcome this.

I guess one problem with searching for the truth is that you can never run from it...


Just Ben
justben at 2010-11-21 16:00 (UTC) (Link)
Things may never go back to exactly how they were, but we can often move them into the same neighborhood (or a similar one) if we want and if we maintain a little flexibility. And from all I’ve been able to tell, you of all people are pretty darn resilient and flexible.

Sometimes I get to a point where I feel like more of a spectator than an actor. For me it’s generally when I start squandering my time on things that don’t really matter or when I’m expecting other people to change my world for me but not taking the steps I need to do it myself. I don’t know what gets you in that place, but the spectator, spirituality, and friendship comments all sound familiar, so I wonder if you might be in the same neighborhood.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, and for me I’ve learned one way to address all of these problems is to just start doing something. To change something, to build new patterns. A few weeks ago I started going to Rocky Horror on Friday nights to see new people. Last week or so I dropped about 75% of my online social networking interactions to make time for more important things. A few days ago I decided to learn to bake. The important thing, though, wasn’t the particular details of what I started doing: It was the process of examining the things I didn’t like about where I was, examining what I have liked about where I’ve been in the past, and making a change I can see in my own life to get back into a happier emotional neighborhood. Different people, different activities, different daily patterns.

And with that change, I find I’m a lot happier. I‘m exploring new ideas, I‘m starting to meet new people. But even if those ideas and those people don’t work out for me, I’ve reminded myself that I‘m not a spectator in my life: I can make meaningful changes, and by changing what I do I can affect how I think and feel.

So where are you emotionally that you’re feeling down? I hear several aspects of that in this post and in recent ones. What patterns can you cut out, and what can you add back in from happier times? What actions have positively shaken things up for you in the past? Travel? New social groups locally? New activities?

*hug* I am thinking about you, and I hope you feel better, even if I generally suck at communicating that from a distance.
akiko_kalla at 2010-11-22 04:47 (UTC) (Link)
*hug* Anything at a distance is difficult in my opinion. :P

Honestly, I feel very stuck. I love my job, I hate a lot of the situation around it. I don't make enough money to go to school to start another career and I can't take out a loan because I'm in bankruptcy. My medical bills make it difficult for me to think about anything except paying off the next debt and praying other bills don't stop service because I paid my rent for example.

It hasn't helped that my parents have moved on with their new lives and live far enough away that I literally have no one to count on. I have one friend that lives here but she is constantly busy. My job, as much as I love it, is wearing me down...seeing the kids, fighting for them, fighting to keep my own job and justify my existence in a country that places little value on education...I'm tired.

I come home and am overwhelmed by the amount of work I need to do to make a crappy apartment look livable because I can't afford anything better. Which has created a negative cycle of avoidance-disgust-avoidance. I think a lot of this stems from the stress and lack of money...but I don't see any solution to it. If I stay in my job I won't get paid more, if I leave I will probably get paid less. If I take a second job as I have in the past, it's what started all the doctor bills and the decline of my health in the first place. I'm very frustrated and I'm tired of living in fear I'm going to be evicted on the next paycheck.

I find joy in writing, my cats, and helping my students. I don't go out and I don't want to--I spend the money to go have a few drinks and I think of what that would pay for in terms of food, gas, bills, etc. I play WoW with my brother...that's my biggest social outlet aside from facebook (which I don't count facebook).

I'm not the type of person to just sit down and resign myself to a crappy situation, but right now trying to fight it isn't helping either. It's taking its toll on my health and I can't afford any more of that. I'm sure some of it is my perception, but not all of it and I don't know how to fix any of it.

Looking back, there wasn't much positivity in my life to begin with so...lol. I am not opposed to doing new things, but they all seem to cost money, which I don't have. If I try to talk to anyone it seems I get people telling me what I need to fix and exasperation that I haven't done it already--like losing weight--completely negating how hard I have tried and any gains I have made on the topic. I've thought about finishing the book I was writing, trying to get it published...but that's about all I can think of as far as new.

It's like my life has been one disaster after another and I was the one who was always rational, strong, centered...and I just don't know that I can take anymore. Things are supposed to get better in life but my life has steadily become worse and worse.

Bad things happen to good people. Honest people get taken advantage of. The harder you try the more you fail. The more you care the more betrayal. There is no knight in shining armor to rescue--or even help. This is what I have learned in 32 years of life...and I'm hurt, frustrated, tired, and PISSED. The pissed part is the only thing I think keeping me from utter depression right now. This isn't living and this isn't how life was meant to be, but this is the way people have made this world and it pisses me off. I don't want to live like this and I don't want my students to be in my shoes 20 years from now. I just don't know how to fix this--a person can only take so much in one lifetime.

Edited at 2010-11-22 04:57 am (UTC)
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