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Life Paths

Posted on 2010.10.28 at 22:34
Current Music: Full Circle ~Loreena McKennit
I wanted to prove that those kids were just as capable, just as deserving, and just as important as any others. I was tired of seeing them fall through the cracks, of seeing the people I grew up with never reach their dreams because society told them they couldn't. I was filled with a fire and while the passion remains, the fire has died to embers.

Now my life is filled with compensation and politics; a balancing act between what's best for my kids and the limits of the facilities, programs, and sometimes coworkers. (If you are reading this it's probably not you by the way.) I was told my program at the middle school didn't have the numbers to warrant me being there after school to help my kids. Despite the fact that the two elementary feeder schools I have have the highest enrollment I've ever had in ten years. I told her I understood the situation, but that I was a teacher and my priority was my kids and what is best for them--and I shouldn't be teaching if it wasn't.

My passion for my students remain, but the clarity I had when I started is diminished. The lack of support is breaking my heart and I don't know if I can continue and remain who I am. Two of my buildings I feel a lot of support and mostly limited by facilities, the other two have other matters. Next year will be my tenth year...but the price may be too high unless something changes or I find some strength somewhere inside of me.

Right now my strength is waning with my increasingly poor health. I loath the doctors because it's just another round of useless tests and I've been poked and prodded to the point I would almost rather die than go back. All I have is my students...the rest is empty. I look at my life and while I don't see anything remarkable, I do see the constant pain and tragedy. This is a catch twenty-two--I love my job because of where it is and my job is destroying me because of where it is. Maybe I just have too much fire to remain silent and compliant when my hands are tied. Or maybe what I should have received from IARC is too little too late.

An extremely upsetting decision is before me...and I have yet to find guidance for it. I do trust it will come, probably from my grandfather's spirit. When I brought up the tip of this iceberg to a superior, she brought up me teaching ESL. The fact that she said that show how little she understands and how distanced I have become from everyone in that office. I love languages, but my endorsement is just a means to teach my students better--I didn't get it for money or to satisfy my desire to use languages. I study Japanese for that and while I love it, I don't want to teach it.

This should be simple. I've left relationships because I was losing myself or the other person was. Why then is this so difficult? It feels like I'm giving up but on an impossible situation. And I feel lost at sea, alone and waiting--not for a savior, but to save myself from some unseen force.

I once told a women, who broke down as she left a prison visiting room...I was compelled to hug her while everyone walked by without a thought, lost in their own misery, and she asked "How do you do this? Does it get easier?" My response was the only truth I knew, "No. You just have to look forward and never look back...you can never look back." I was stronger then.

And yet, my greatest desire I always felt was unattainable. I wanted a family--a child. Health, chance, and an all-consuming fire for my career prevented it. I devoted my life to my cause and now I feel that hope inside of me dying, not that I would choose to do it differently. Everything was so true, so clear...and now I'm lost in the mists.

I'm feeling the pull of the earth, calling me home. Old feelings of going to Ireland, of finding my home are returning. My spirit feels starved for rejuvenation. And oddly enough, as I type this part I feel the familiar comfort I've felt so many times before when I was younger. I have always felt my path was decided before I was born...I told nuns, priests, and family what I believed. Even at four I was telling them I disagreed with their beliefs... I don't know what causes that acute awareness and defiance because it wasn't just a "no!" it was a "no I don't believe in hell because I don't believe God is an angry God." It went against everything I was being taught by everyone around me, and it was a surprise to my parents. (Of course it was also a surprise when I read my mom's medical book in the first grade and came into my parents' room and asked how the sperm got to the egg.)

I know I will not be happy until the spiritual balance in my life is restored and echos the passion I have for helping people and improving the quality of life for others. I'm just not sure where the path leads from here...


Just Ben
justben at 2010-11-03 03:04 (UTC) (Link)
I wish I could offer you more than a long-distance hug, but I can at least offer that.


You’re in my thoughts.
akiko_kalla at 2010-11-21 05:19 (UTC) (Link)
*hug* Thank you. It means more than you realize.

Edited at 2010-11-21 05:19 am (UTC)
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