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His Eyes (April 3, 2005)

Posted on 2005.07.05 at 08:25
Hmm...well I'm not sure what to type. Something is changing and yet everything is still the same. I'm waiting for something to revive my heart...I'm waiting to find that reason I came here. My heart is so weary...so tired of fighting for what I believe and know to be right and just. So tired of trying to help. So tired of trying to wake people up to see what is all around them and begin to live. So tired of feeling so much. Part of me says to stay and fight, and the other part just wants to go home and be at peace. I just don't know where home is...I only know it feels so much closer when I'm with the trees or gazing at the stars. I feel like I'm just a passerby on this life and that I'm now waiting for that purpose to present itself so I can do what I intended. It's as if I"m just biding time until then. I don't really understand my emotions right now. In fact I feel oddly at peace with many things. The ties that are severed with my family are cleanly cut and defined. My financial future: to get out of debt and then discover what I really want to do with my life and do it. After I am settled, I will have a child most likely on my own. Some things are crystal clear, but everything else is behind a viel that I cannot seem to lift. I'm not sad or lonely really...it's more I just am.

Something is stirring inside, but it's like I'm outside watching it happen. What do you say to yourself when you know in your heart that you are alone and will always be alone? Even amongst friends who care, you are alone? When you know that you are not home? That this life is so fleeting and you rush to find your reason for being here? When your ulitmate goals in life are not of this world, but of another? I'm still me, but perhaps I am more myself than I have ever been. Even as a child I lived within my mind prefering what I knew as truth to the lies I was told.

Oddly enough, I plan to try to find a CD of Peter, Paul and Mary tomorrow. I heard and saw them sing on TV the other day and started to cry. As I watched him sing and play guitar with so much emotion in his eyes and voice about the injustice in South Africa...I felt drawn into the music. Probably the best performance I have ever seen...because it was real. I had never met anyone in my 26 and a half years that came anywhere close to understanding much less expressing the strength of the emotions I feel inside. It felt as if he was singing from my own heart, as if our souls knew each other and I felt something inside change. Perhaps it will help express what is inside that I cannot understand so that I may move forward. I will never forget his eyes...

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