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wish-TB

Insecurity

Posted on 2006.02.07 at 22:06
Current Music: The Return of the King ~LotR Soundtrack
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I am so weary of these learning experiences. I don't even think it's so much the learning, but the having to see the results of failed learnings. I had so many things to put here, but my mind is blank. Letting go is difficult if you don't know what you're letting go of...breaking into that subconscious--be it on a conscious or subconscious level--is something I have yet to truly accomplish. Another energy shift perhaps? They have been remarkably silent the past month or so...no channelings or anything. I did ask to sleep...perhaps it is time to ask them to resume my previous--activities?

If someone were to ask me to truly look at my past...I see a childhood unlived, an empath harshly treated, a spirit repressed. I see a fighting spirit against the confines of this world and close mindedness of those around me.

If someone were to ask me to truly look at my present...I see a life struggling to free itself from the confines of this world, an empath struggling with energy, and a spirit that is not fully emerged. In place of the passionate firery soldier, I have now cooled to accept there are things I cannot change. I am mourning the loss of a childhood I didn't realize I never had.

If someone were to ask me to truly look into the future...I would see my spirit in all my beauty shining brightly and touching as many lives as the light could reach.

All of us have this power, this light within ourselves, but it is so easy to become to distracted and veer off course into the ego of this world. We forget who we are and what we are here to do. I need to learn to realize this in others. The delicate balance between caring for yourself and caring for others is easily confused.

So as I sit and watch the orchestra be decimated by the teacher's actions; knowing he has not listened to my suggestions, knowing now that he see my disagreements with his methods as a threat, knowing that they are technically his students and not mine, knowing that I cannot fix this problem...despite his protest of my being judgemental, my brain is trying to find ways to help heal both him and the students. For the first time I learned that trying to explain myself is useless. Words that fall on deaf ears have little weight. Eyes blinded by the fear of uncertainty in this world do not see the future I see. A heart that is full of insecurity is not able to accept help from another for it needs to accept help from itself first. Search for the positive and do what you can with what you have...I just never thought I'd find this particular situation.

Comments:


anthonyjaycee
anthonyjaycee at 2006-02-08 06:37 (UTC) (Link)
I feel more or less the same on the past, present, and future.

I focus on the whole "I need a job" thing, but in reality, it seems that in the world as it is now, that would just take away one of my concerns, this need to figure out where to go for money every month, and replace it with another one... having to deal with all this spirit repression once again. It seems like the grass isn't any greener on either side.

Best I can say on this is that you can look at conflicts as an opportunity to try to see something subjectively that you saw objectively before. Idealistically, there may be a way to paint things such that your ideas seem like his ideas to him, or at least seem non-threatening enough. Realistically, there is that thing in the gospels where Jesus talks about shaking the dust from one's feet... if you tried and you can't help someone else, you just do what you can to let go and trust that it's somehow for the best.

I'm not saying it's easy... that's just the best I can recommend.
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