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Posted on 2006.01.30 at 22:47
Current Music: The Grey Havens ~LotR Soundtrack
Invisible tears caress my heart, but my demeanor defies my true emotional state...

+ They "fixed" my heater
+ I have a job with benefits
+ I have another job to help make ends meet
+ I can pay my bills
+ I have a beautiful healthy kitty
+ I know true unconditional love
+ I feel a strong purpose in my life
+ I truly love life
+ I have my strength
+ I can walk, write, laugh, cry, and feel
+ I have dreams
+ I have strong spiritual beliefs

- I see injustices brought against my loved ones
- I see the effects of abuse daily
- I feel the effects of my past
- I am tired of being strong
- I am tired of fighting
- I miss home
- I am alone in most aspects of my life
- I am tired
- I am disheartened to not be able to do more
- I am watching my loved ones suffer daily, fearing for their future if not their life
- I have seen much death
- I long for peace
- I am sick again
- I am tired of waiting to be able to live my dreams
- My heater is making that noise again


ex_rong at 2006-01-31 05:34 (UTC) (Link)
And that's why Life sucks and rewards at the same time. *sighs*....
akiko_kalla at 2006-01-31 05:39 (UTC) (Link)
pretty much... -_-
anthonyjaycee at 2006-01-31 07:15 (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, I've gotten to a point where all the bad stuff of the world is starting to really bother the heck out of me. It's like I want to fix everything that's screwed up about the world, and pretty much can't do anything about it all... at least not the "big stuff."

So, it's kind of like, why do I care so much about fixing things, if I can't? "Oh, then don't worry about what you can't deal with." Hmph-- easier said than done. So I'm going through all these emotional pondering sessions to try to fix my problems internally, so maybe I'll see things less negatively somehow.

I keep trying to solve the problems. But the problems are still there! And it's not like I can just ignore them and "go have fun" instead, because I can tell that, for whatever reason, I actually want all this drama in my life. So I feel screwed up for wanting drama now too, like I should just want to be happy instead.

If it's all up to me... then I should be able to fix it. If it's not... then I should be able to complain about it. But, it's like, there's no one I can honestly blame about it all, and even if I could, that wouldn't fix it anyway. Grrah!!

I should try playing more videogames. Or writing. Or _something_.
akiko_kalla at 2006-02-01 06:03 (UTC) (Link)
I don't want this drama in my life, but this is how my life has always been. I am almost always doing something to deal with things. The problem is I'm here for a reason and I'm supposed to help fix these major things. Granted these things aren't something you fix on your own and it may not be accomplished in this lifetime--although I think I'm through coming back. Perhaps that's why I feel the urgency. I'm just very weary of all this and long for rest...even if it's just a short while.
akiko_kalla at 2006-02-01 06:06 (UTC) (Link)
And actually, most of this drama isn't in my life, it's in a loved one's life. Which is doubly annoying because I feel for them/with them and at the same time am pissed off that they keep making the decision to keep the drama in their life. You'd think as old as my soul is, that I'd be less impatient in regards to this. I know they are just being human and not seeing the bigger picture of their life, but it drives me nuts.
anthonyjaycee at 2006-02-02 03:21 (UTC) (Link)
Yeah, for me there's definitely a similar feeling of "I'm really getting tired of all this." I can tell that it's a bigger deal now than it used to be though, somehow.

I figure there are at least two possible explanations... Either the world in general is "coming to the brink" in some way (tying in with what all these channeled messages I've been reading are saying)... or I just have some sort of psychological issue, like depression, that just happens to be getting worse nowadays than it had been before.

One point of interest, though-- I lost (i.e., got intuitively fed up with) my job back in June, and didn't start reading the channeled messages until July. So, my progression (good, bad, or whatever) started first... it's not a reaction to, say... "buying into the channeled messages too much" or whatever. So that's good. I can tell that my heart wants me to go through what I'm going through, though... and any attempts to change that don't seem to work. So hopefully I'm basically just riding it out, and spiritually growing a lot in the process.
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