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New Year

Posted on 2017.01.01 at 23:55
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2016 was a bad year for a lot of people. Someone told me today, in regards to a mutual friend, that she lives in the grief. She commented that she doesn't express it but lets it marinate. I asked what I do and she said it consumes me and will come in a wave and then it's over.

I think she's right. I refuse to hold on to the negative. The problem is when I can't escape it because it overwhelms me, the wave crashes into the shore and then I let go of it again. 2016 was a year filled with grief for me. Every aspect of my life had it profoundly and on many levels. But I really only talked about a few of them.

I also realized, that while I talk a lot at times, I am sharing experiences and not myself. Usually I am trying to establish trust so I can help or comfort the other person, but I am not actually expressing myself. Granted people don't typically know that and assume they have some understanding of me from what I shared. They aren't entirely wrong, but it is an exceptionally small piece of who I am.

It isn't because I don't want people to know me, but that in my experience they are unable to handle the emotional intensity with which I feel every single thing. It isn't a wave, it is a vast tempest at all times raging under the placid surface of an ocean. It isn't a fault either; it is simply who I am. Life has always been a vibrant vivid experience for me.

But even as I had this conversation, I found myself wanting to joke and focus on the positive. Perhaps that is one of the biggest conflicts in some of my current situations...that intent on the positive may appear that I am unable to see the negative. That isn't the case, but I don't see the point in focusing on the negative as it does not change it to positive by dwelling on what was. I am future oriented and I live my life by regretting as few of my decisions as possible; rather I seek to learn from them as I move forward. If that means I piss you off because I'm not beating myself up with regret, I'm really not apologetic. Why would I waste my life and time regretting what I can't change rather than letting it fuel my energy to change the future?

I think the biggest way to sum it up is, I want to bring hope to the world around me and hope is not found by looking into the past. So I will walk forward into 2017 with hope and with the belief that we create what we believe, think, and feel. I am not perfect but I will always strive to create as beautiful a world as the one I see when I look into the night sky or the forest; when I feel the soft warmth of my cats fuzzy purrs; when I hear the innocent laughter of young children; when my students come to the edge and start to take flight towards their potential; and when I speak the truth of someone's strengths at a time when they have forgotten.

2017 is a year of Hope.

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