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Truth-X

Grandpa

Posted on 2016.12.13 at 00:20
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My paternal grandfather passed away today. At the end of the day I found myself just wanting to be around people but they needed me. So I listened and answered their questions. And when they were tired I let them go to rest...only one knew what had happened.

I'm at that stage where I feel but don't feel. Where you cry but laugh. And it frustrated me to say I have a concert so I can't be at the wake. Watching my maternal grandmother die over three weeks was horrific, but this...I was watching my grandfather lose himself. I couldn't go see him at Thanksgiving because I was ill but now, I can't see him again. I'll not hear him talk about me to me when he doesn't recognize me, or hear his stories from his past. So much is lost.

I don't want to go to school. I want to sleep. My body is shutting down--physically, mentally, emotionally. I have concerts to prepare for, but I don't have any interest. I'm a level of exhausted only grief can evoke. Yet I still smile and laugh with those around me.

I can be such a liar. I've held this in from most and have freaked people out when they found out how serious something was later because they had no idea. I don't like to wear the facade because it's too convincing and I do not want to believe in it rather than myself. But I've put on a smiley face button and taken the words said to me to heart so the façade will be up...except with my students. I can't hide this from them.

Really, I just don't want to be alone. It isn't a conversation or anything in particular that I am looking for, I just want to feel connected to life and humanity; to feel somewhere I matter. If I matter, my grandfather's life mattered for it influenced me.

I just want someone to ask if I'm okay, to be close and to want to be by my side. I need someone to tell me it's okay to sleep.

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