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Lavi

Awakening

Posted on 2015.05.13 at 22:13
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Honestly, I'm not sure why I'm typing an entry...it feels like I need to do but I don't know what to say. There is so much to say.

I'm grieving deeply over the loss of a child I'll never have. I feel terribly lonely and unwanted. I am scared surgery may not help or that I have years of tests to figure out what is wrong with my failing body. Stress is incredibly high and tension is so thick in my buildings you could cut it with a knife. Everything is going to shit.

And yet... I find myself calm and asking how I can help. I find hope for the future that just won't diminish. I find myself so full of love and childlike wonder I'm nearly bursting with wanting to share it with someone. And inside I can feel another change happening.

I suppose it is another step in returning to myself...touching that spiritual side that I sometimes push away in favor of logic. Perhaps it is simply because I have taken on the role of trying to improve the situations around me, or perhaps that I simply want to see others smile. Or perhaps I just want to feel needed by someone even for a short time. Maybe it's something deeper...

But I remain calm and sensitive to those around me. I want to watch the stars; I want to draw; I want to dream again. I don't really know what I'm doing; I only know I'm walking in the direction I was meant to take. There is so much anger and pain around me right now and in the world...that's just not what life is supposed to be. But for me, it feels like I am waking from a restless sleep to feel the warmth of the sun upon my face once again.

Really, I just want to see others smile again.

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