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Free-Kanda

New This Year

Posted on 2014.01.01 at 03:03
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Normally I steal someone else's idea or stolen idea to use for New Year's.  anibunny listed the first title of each month's posts, but when I looked into doing that it would give the impression that it was a crappy year.  In some ways it was--especially in dealing with drama and health.  But there were many good things too and that is what I would prefer to focus on.  Mainly, my orchestra is doing well, my career is going well, my health is improving, I moved into a much better place, I have a new and functioning car, and while things are tight I am able to make ends meet so far.  Yes, 2013 was filled with set backs and frustrations, but those aren't the important events in my life.  Or maybe my perspective has changed on my life, I don't know.

My facebook is very censored so I am sure I would have a different outcome if I looked at the first post of every month there...but here is where I am myself.  I may not post everything, but what I post is usually raw and shamelessly me, for better or worse.  In short, this is where I write for myself.  So much of what I do is for others, and because of that a lot of what I say and think has to be reigned in other places.  But here you'll get all the rambling angry depressing joyous pissy rants and raves that make up the core of my character.  It is pretty safe to say I feel nothing in small amounts; everything is felt very deeply regardless of my reaction.  Here I express what I can't express in public, and how frustrating and wrong it is that the public is that way--mainly thinking that people cannot be human if they have a career.

To be honest, I don't have a particularly attachment to the new year other than to hope the next goes better.  I don't believe in resolutions...to me they're like going to church on Christmas and Easter; it doesn't make up for the rest of the time you didn't go.  If you are going to change, change and embrace it whole-heartedly.  Otherwise, why put yourself through the guilt when the change doesn't last?  I'd love to lose weight, but I'm not having surgery to do it; I'd love to make more money, but I'm not going to work myself to death to do it; I'd love to have a family but I can't change my body's dysfunction; I'd love to have a significant other most of the time, but I'm not willing to keep looking online after so many creeps or why-the-hell-did-the-site-suggest-this-persons (and secretly I don't mind being alone most of the time);  I'd love to be nicer, wait...no I don't feel that--if you piss me off enough that I'm not nice you deserve it;  I'd love to be more tolerant...wait...not of stupidity--there needs to be less stupidity.  RAISE THE BAR PEOPLE!  Not that all resolutions are bad, but many are unreasonable or kitsch.  Also, I don't need a new year to set a resolution--I'm setting them all the time.  It's my way of setting goals for myself to be the person I want to be and to discover the person I have always been.  While I understand some people need a major event to spark a change of action or perspective, I'm not one of those people.

So I resolve to do this in 2014: I resolve to be myself and make changes along the way to be truer to who I am, who I want to be, and the truths I believe in.  (And read Lord of the Rings again...)

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