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Free-Kanda

Moving Forward

Posted on 2013.07.30 at 16:14
Current Music: Serenata ~Immediate Music
Tags: , , ,
I have moved into my new apartment and tied up the lose ends at the old hell-hole.  I did find out they are giving me my deposit back however.  Now it is just finishing the unpacking.  I am a little worried about money with the move and a new car payment, and doctor visits all week, but I trust that I will figure it out.  I get to tell the doctors this treatment is also a failure like the others...to be honest, the sleep quality is the thing I would like to fix.  If they can find a way to get my muscles to relax great, but not at the cost of the rest of my health; I'm not trading one health problem for another.

Right now, it feels like I'm starting over...like this might actually work out for the best.  And that scares me.  While even in my darkest times there was a part of me that refused to give up, that wouldn't let me lose myself completely, I have lived so long without hope I'm not sure how to embrace the positivity.  I've worked so hard to let go of the past and the pain and the struggle...but when you reach out and instead of the torment you find a pleasant emptiness, it is startling.  Not in a bad way, but you laugh in both excitement and fear.

Even thinking about dealing with my father and telling him about the car doesn't seem so bad.  It is an unwanted and unpleasant experience for the future, but ultimately nothing will change.  All of these changes are my choice and I have made the best choices I could.  If they were the wrong ones, so be it; at least they were my choices.  I've lived all my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, anticipating the next blow, and preparing for devastation...to release that anxiety and look at the future as something I can transform into something pure, beautiful, and true...it's difficult to describe the joyful nervousness.  It's like taking a step onto an unfamiliar path...the butterflies in the pit of your stomach are full of excitement, anticipation, and hope.  Your brain is hesitant, knowing what has happened in the past, but you take that step anyway feeling that surely this time will be different.

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