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Lavi-sad

Sadness Lurking

Posted on 2013.03.03 at 01:20
Tags: , , ,
My last facebook status:  "When the body fails the mind and spirit, and the depression of what could have been and the anxiety of trying to fight for normalcy threatens to overwhelm you, all you can do is breathe and pray the next step will offer hope."

I've been having bouts with IBS the past few days and I feel very drained and exhausted.  I am tired of fighting my own body and living on ibuprofen.  If it isn't pain, it's my digestive system rejecting the food I've eaten or overreacting to digestion.  Moreover, the acknowledgement that I will likely never have a child and am alone on top of all the financial crap has left me both depressed and anxious.  And I have three concerts in two weeks and will not have seen some of the students for over two weeks due to testing and snow days.  So my stress level is pretty high at the moment.

But when it's a constant battle with your body it just wears you out.  I am constantly tired and ready to sleep, but insomnia keeps me awake.  Or I'm up with endometriosis related pain or IBS problems.  I'm trying so hard to fight the feelings of depression but the anxiety keeps mounting and I can feel it lurking in just out of sight, waiting for me to trip and tumble down into the darkness I was in a few years ago.  Moreover I feel very few people understand, or even care.  I do not know what to do; I cannot afford a therapist and the medicines actually made everything worse.

I also cannot help the feeling that there is something more that is wrong.  An underlying condition that the doctors have yet to figure out...mainly because I keep having strange symptoms.  Single red patches that appear and take a while to go away, joint pain, redness in joints, repeated infections that never seem to quite go away, eye infections, itching all over my body at night, random jaw pain when I drink alcohol, etc.  I can't tell what is new and what is old anymore.

I haven't gone to the doctor because I don't want to sound as crazy as I feel and I don't want there to be something else I have to deal with.  I know I will be better when I have the car situation figured out and have moved...in AUGUST.  But the toll on my health is a bit much right now.  I'm supposed to go in to have more bloodwork to see if my white blood cell count is back to normal, but I haven't been "well."  I haven't been well since October.

 Even when I do sleep, I wake up exhausted and I'm afraid the eye infection is coming back.  I need a break from everything...even things like Diablo III that I enjoy I am avoiding because I'm tired and don't feel well.  The only thing I can escape in is the world of books, currently Tolkien again.  I feel so utterly hopeless and alone.  Part of it is there is no cure and another part of it is I feel so damaged because of it that I honestly do not believe anyone would want to be with someone who may not be able to bear a child or has these types of health issues.  And yet, it's nothing that will kill me; just make my life miserable until old age takes me.  Looking back at how it has all impacted my life...it's been devastating, I just didn't realize it because it happened so slowly.

And I'm so tired of hearing and trying to lose weight.  It makes me feel worse and like I'm completely unattractive so why even bother, not that I have time or a means to bother.  And tired of seeing people post about motherhood or post pictures of themselves and/or newborns.  I'm happy for you, but I don't want to be bombarded with it and am tired of you expecting me to comment on every damn picture.  I don't expect you to understand but please stop shoving it in my face!  And for the love of whatever you believe, don't try to make me feel better or convince me I just need to try or some crap.  You arrogant selfish twit; don't assume you understand or can relate to my feelings because you never will.

I am just tired of dealing with conditions for which there is no cure and which 95% of which the world has a very poor and inaccurate conception.  I need peace...and I know it must come from within but right now my body will not even let me rest.  Yes I can still see positive, but unfortunately that isn't helping how I feel right now.

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