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Lavi-pensive

Beliefs of Illusion

Posted on 2011.12.30 at 00:24
Current Music: Jean and Leo ~D. Gray-Man
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"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold." ~J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
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I've spoken about closure, forgiveness, moving forward, and such before but I found this quote again today. I've been concerned about my choice regarding the upcoming Orchestra Festival, which made me look back on where the orchestra started four years ago. Then I looked back on my life over the past ten years.

Time does not mend all things and closure will forever be beyond my reach. That is a very painful thing to admit. The dreams I once had are forever shattered; there is nothing for me except loss and pain in my past. The only strength will come from embracing the future, fighting for change, and standing up to the appalling ignorance and judgments of society...by educating the future.

It's not that I am unhappy, but my deepest happiness will never exist, at least not without considerable pain. Some well meaning individuals would like, and have tried, to argue but they can never escape the fact that their lives are not undeniably altered--permanently. They have no answer except to believe in others...but others won't bring me happiness, nor can they give back what was taken. They misunderstand and think I'm unhappy or depressed when really it's their limited ability to understand and be compassionate.

I see the truth of the matter and I feel it quite acutely. But I haven't walled my heart up to protect it from the pain of living...and yes it hurts, but I am not unhappy in that pain. Pain comes and goes and I'd much rather feel openly than cut off my compassion to hide from pain. Nor will I blame or place my happiness in the hands of others. Arguing my feelings is not compassionate...rather it is a selfish way to justify holding to your illusions. I don't hide behind my beliefs; I live by them.
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"...I was able to return to reality from the pain in my heart to turn the future I dream into reality. You should choose too...to keep balming yourself in your memories or to return to reality with a wish."

"If I wish it anything can come true?"

"I'm not sure about that. But nothing can be done if you don't wish for it. From here you need to return to the real world and do it yourself."

~X, conversation between Subaru and Kamui's heart

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