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Lavi-pensive

The Truth

Posted on 2011.10.30 at 22:37
Current Music: Storm on the Meadow ~Arkenstone
Tags: , , , ,
I didn't even remember if Halloween was the 30th or the 31st--it's been so long since I celebrated it. The moment I left the university for student teaching my life changed forever. Before I left, I had been having nightmares something bad was happening to someone in the family. I kept calling home the last half of the semester asking if everyone is okay. When I came home I found out things were in fact not okay...and never would be.

I remember buying groceries for the three of us to try to help. I remember the tension, pain, and exhaustion. I remember the outbursts and covering up the bruises before I went to teach. I remember spending money to try to make things appear happy and normal. I moved out soon after graduation. I couldn't take it. I tried to make my life appear happy and normal. For two years, I tried to keep up the facade.

Then the day of decision and injustice. The sky cried that day. For the next two and a half years I struggled to help my mother and brother through it. Every weekend spent on long trips to visit. The only solace I had was in helping my students; it was the only positive aside from taking Japanese classes. Then it was over and the uncertainty of the real sentence set in.

I watched as society judged. I watched as my loved ones suffered. I worried about the suffering that I didn't see but was afraid to ask. I watched as the stress became unbearable. I watched as time and time again we were beaten down. And I only found escape in the solitude of a drink.

For five years I had tried to stay afloat and finally I was broken. I watched my own life fall to pieces except I was alone now and no one was around to help me pick up the pieces. Eventually I did, and threw myself into my teaching. I continue to watch those I love most suffer judgement, injustice, despair, and hardship. I continue to suffer in silence to most people, unable to speak out for fear it would make things worse for those I love. I hold the anger I have at society inside and try to direct it in teaching my students about self-reflection and compassion.

The worst part is knowing what is gone is forever lost. That nothing will ever be normal again. That it is not possible for me to live a normal life; it was taken from me that day. It was taken from all of us. Society does not have the compassion it needs to pass judgement, nor do the people truly understand half the causes for which they argue or the reality for all those involved. But people are quick to speak out in anger about their cause and slow to realize the hatred they inflict upon the victims of injustice.

I forgot what day Halloween is. It's been ten years. Most holidays no longer hold significance, only tears and an incredible pain. My reality has become a nightmare from which I can never wake. I close my eyes and teach. I listen to your ignorant speeches and half-truths without response. I listen to your idle complaints and petty gossip, seeing that you do nothing to change it. I carry an unimaginable burden that no one should have to bear. I am grateful you cannot understand and yet that does not lessen the pain.

There is no light in darkness for a spectator. I cannot save, I cannot help, I cannot lessen the pain, I cannot shoulder the burden; all that I can do is watch, record, and remember...and never ever forget. Childhood memories fade, tainted with the shattered dreams and stolen lives. They are still there, but so distant I question their truth. And yet I know things could yet be worse.

I do not remember Halloween for I no longer have a reason to want to remember. I no longer have moments I want to add to my faded memories.

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