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Kanda-pensive

Thinking on Early Entries

Posted on 2011.07.07 at 22:19
Current Music: Born This Way ~Lady Gaga
Tags: , ,
So SOMEONE, aka ladyobloom, is going to try reading my journal from the beginning of time (2004) and I found myself reading my earliest entries of my online journal. I never kept a diary previously, but my interest in web design ended up with me keeping a personal journal and altering the html/css until I got fed up with browsers having different preferences in reading css and just moved here.

What I found was interesting. When I say I am returning to who I have always been...I really am. What I say now, is very similar to what I said then. The difference is I am not fighting or questioning it. I have accepted it is who I am. I also saw the beginning of my descent into confusion, depression, and darkness. It had started even before I met her. I think the best way to describe it is that with her help I was pulling myself up but when she let go of my hand so to speak, I feel down much farther than I knew I could.

I took a risk, place my trust in her and while I don't regret that I wonder now if that was really fair to her. I wasn't even aware of how deep the pain ran through me, so how could she? The weight of caring wasn't intentional and perhaps had we been left alone we would have figured that out without incident, but we weren't left alone and I think she felt she had to let go. To be honest, I'm not sure how we came to reconcile that between us but we have moved beyond it.

While I'm not going to hold onto what the intervening person said or did, I will never accept it as okay. It is in the past and it is just one of many reasons that person will be unable to gain my respect.

Comments:


ladyobloom
ladyobloom at 2011-07-10 08:02 (UTC) (Link)
it's always interesting to see how we've grown over the years and learn about ourselves by looking back. i'm still going through the entries :-) nice shuga avatar btw!
akiko_kalla
akiko_kalla at 2011-07-10 08:31 (UTC) (Link)
LOL. Thank you. It is interesting to see how we have grown and changed, and also what has stayed constant. Then again, I analyze way too much and then talk about things even more...which is why this journal exists lol. I guess that's just me.
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