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Lavi-red

The Current

Posted on 2011.07.04 at 03:37
Current Music: Right Where It Belongs ~NIN
Tags: , ,
I was going to write about how I need to find a Samurai to fall in love with, but that seems a bit...silly, even if it is kind of true. But I still feel the need to type. I think my previous post kind of surprised me and I haven't finished processing it yet. Does it make me shallow if I am incapable of being shallow in anything? Somehow it feels like there's a logic behind that somewhere. I'm not sure when all this began, or if it has always been, but it's moving forward quickly now.

I'm on the precipice of some major change and I'm not sure which way I am tipping. What I do know is it isn't a bad thing. I honestly have no idea where I am going and that is a little disconcerting to me as that means I can't plan to get there. On the other hand, I'm putting my trust and faith into my own soul and the spirits around me to guide me. Where I'm headed isn't exactly a destination; it's more an internal journey.

Perhaps the reason the path isn't clear to me is because it doesn't yet exist. "A path is something you create as you walk it." (Marian Cross, D. Gray-Man) Perhaps I was afraid to walk my own path in the darkness because I couldn't see a light to guide me. I didn't realize that the darkness and the light come from within, not without and the path must be of my own making. Or maybe I was not at a point where I trusted the light within myself enough to guide me blindly. Whatever the reason, the change has started, deep inside and it's permeating everything more and more.

It's like a fog is lifting and the colors are so vivid and brilliant it should hurt. And I feel so strongly--much more deeply that I thought possible. And yet I'm relaxed and content. This change is just another part of me and I am exactly where I need to be. It's a difficult feeling to describe...feeling the changes happening but not understanding how or why. I guess you would say I feel the momentum of it.

The difference is this time I have no desire to fight it. It isn't a giving in, it's an acceptance. In more philosophical terms, I am flowing with the current rather than against it. Even so, I'm not necessarily moving physically so much as I am realizing I am part of the water. How's that for Buddhist thought? I am neither moving nor still; I simply exist. Zen. I am the water, I am the current, and I am me. And I'm at peace.

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