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Kanda-pensive

Resolve

Posted on 2011.07.03 at 19:03
Current Music: Something I can Never Have ~NIN
Tags: , , ,
It doesn't matter what another's true colors are. It doesn't matter that I have seen them and she has not. Saying anything only prevents me from moving forward. I'm weary of hearing the excuses others make, of hearing their blame, of seeing their limited perspective, of feeling different. I'm making a resolve to absolve myself of all the drama. Half say nothing and barely pay attention while the rest are too busy arguing the same points over and over. No one really listens. There is no validation in our work and views. Some time ago I stopped seeking validation from there. But I am finished with participating in the farce altogether. Please forgive me.

It wasn't that what she said upset me or hurt me. You said things that were much more hurtful than anything she said. Yet we forgave each other and moved past it. Do you understand why? Do you understand why this is not possible with her? She is unethical. With everything she does and does not do, with everything she says and does not say, she perpetuates the negativity, the invalidation, the excuses, the competition, the limited perspective...all under the guise of her position. No, I will speak when asked or when important, but I am not participating in that. Knowing the path but refusing to walk it is not acceptable and I cannot follow someone who makes excuses, lies, and blames. I will not follow an unethical person.

I follow you, but I will not follow her. I am choosing my own path and I will not veer from it. It is the only path I can live with, after all. I will work to reign in my frustration, to maintain my own balance, and to observe others with an objective mind. I will try not to cause you unnecessary concern. And when she falls, I will help repair the damage. I don't think, as much as we connect, that you really know me. I think you have been trying to get my true self to come forward, not really knowing who she is. I'm not sure you are ready for her...I'm not sure I'm ready. But change, once started, is difficult to stop. I'm a little afraid to shed these last layers of the mask, but I think I'm most afraid that my path might lead me away from you. Should that happen, please remember you are someone I chose to follow and without you I may have never realized my true convictions.

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