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Posted on 2011.06.05 at 01:21
Current Music: Sound of Invisible Waters ~Deuter
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Looking at my loosely laced fingers as a soft light reflects off of them against a dark background and I ponder choices I have made, wondering if they were the right ones. I'm not really sure why I'm thinking about this, maybe I'm not used to being at least semi-happy. I don't really know what's going through my head...mostly nothing, which is probably why this feels so strange to me.

It isn't really logical. There are so many reasons to be frustrated, upset, worried, angry, etc...but I'm not. I'm not completely relaxed, but it's close. I think I'm just happy for some reason. I'm also relieved that the school year ended--and ended as it did; on a positive note. I guess maybe I'm just not the type of person to look at all the things that are wrong and keep focusing on only those things. I think it was a learned behavior that perhaps I've no longer a use for.

This year I was happy with the success of my students. I was happy with the success of my dealings with colleagues--I was even happy with how I handled situations with my boss. I was happy with how things turned out between myself and the handful of people whose opinions really matter to me at school. I was happy with my enrollment despite the mess it started out as. I was happy with keeping my buildings. I was happy with how things turned out with the music office we made. I am happy with how much weight I've lost, although I am working to lose more. I'm happy with my overall health's improvements. I'm just happy I guess. There's stuff that still sucks, but I can't change any of that--I have never had control over those things. The things I had control over, I took care of so...

It's like a mantle of heavy down, dusty with years of debris, was lifted from my shoulders over the course of this year and I didn't realize it. And now I'm really starting to feel its effects. The parts of me where I used to obsess and worry and hurt have been replaced with a personality that has yet to fully take shape. It's a very odd feeling, although not bad. Perhaps I'm also not used to being in control of how that takes shapes so directly. That is more a change in perspective than anything I think.

I was so overwhelmed by what was happening around and to me...all I had control over was how I reacted. To an extent that hasn't changed. However, I have control over me. The things happening around and to me are all still there, but they aren't changing me; they aren't what is important in my life, at least not in the sense that I'm spending a good deal of energy on them. I still have relatively little control, but I don't feel uncomfortable with it like I once did--I don't feel responsible for the lack of control or its potential results.

Oddly enough I did a numerology reading and it said at this point in my life, my balance and challenge numbers are 0.

The 0 challenge means the choice of what you do with your life is entirely yours. Yours is an old soul--you've already struggled through all the challenges of the other numbers. Your reward for completing these Challenges is free will. You may face all or any of the challenges of the numbers 1 through 9. You may simply drift through life without a destination or goals. Or you may rise above the struggles of others and use this Challenge period to sculpt a life based on love, integrity, justice and vision. At first glance, this freedom to choose may seem like a vacation, but it isn't. Indeed, the gravity of the responsibility which comes with a 0 challenge is tremendous, because how you choose to address your 0 challenge will profoundly affect the lives of those around you, and, possibly, the entire world.

I think that is a good way to explain how I feel right now...it's a little unsettling because I have no idea what is before me; I only know what is behind me and that the path my feet are on will carry me into the future. No matter what, one constant for me is I always look and move forward. It isn't that I feel a lack of guidance--in fact I feel a bit more spiritual guidance than earlier this year. It's just that guidance is quiet, subdued, and gentle. It's like walking a path, having faith it will lead you where you are meant to be although you cannot see far into the distance, but taking comfort in the soft light that shines on the present steps you take. Maybe that is all I really need.

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