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wish-TB

Spirituality

Posted on 2011.05.30 at 16:48
Current Music: Waves of Light ~Deuter
Tags: ,
With all that has been going on I find myself seeking refuge inside my heart to make sense of it all. My spirituality was never dormant, but it was functioning the background for the past few years. As this summer approaches I feel the need to fully connect and make it a more conscious part of my life. I am approaching a crossroads in many aspects of my life and I will soon have to decide what path I will take.

My first spiritual experiences started with the Catholic Church. Even though I was defying nuns and priests in preschool with my beliefs, my faith in God and Catholicism was unbreakable. As I grew older I began to see more and more of the world and while my faith did not waver, my belief that the churches--at least the ones around me--were holding true to the faith did. I was unwilling to tolerate changes made to gain popularity or that side-stepped tradition to make it easier to understand. A great deal of Catholics today know relatively little of what I was taught and why the traditions they see if they happen into a Latin Mass exist. I felt the church was no longer the Catholic Church, no longer supporting the Catholic Religion I knew, so I stopped going--never having believed God would truly condemn someone for not going to a specific building to prove his faith. Faith to me is something you live and if you have to prove it, it is because you don't truly believe.

I had many odd experiences as a kid but just kept pushing them aside as coincidence. When we moved into the house on Farley, things began to intensify. I felt a dark ominous presence watching me as I slept. No one believed me. I would pray until I fell asleep, thinking that if I was praying it would not do harm as the energy of God and/or guardian angels were around me. Eventually it got so bad I left my room and slept on the floor, refusing to go back upstairs. My aunt went and prayed to cleanse the room and I didn't feel the entity from then on. Perhaps it was an overactive imagination or an adolescent energy creating a poltergeist type scenario. Regardless, my faith was strong even with my faith in the church faltering.

As time passed little things kept happening...I would know something before it happened, respond to questions before they were asked, know things I had no way of knowing, etc. They were spread out enough that I just got labeled as odd or told it was just the way the women in my family seemed to be sometimes. When I would pray I would feel a warm presence with me, but I was too distracted by school to think much about any of it. The events around my grandfather's death sent me looking for answers and several years of studying and practicing.

I learned about chakras, energy, psychics, tarot, cleansing, healing, etc. I met some good people and some questionable ones. I learned about things that rang true with my soul and some that sounded like they were made up. I took it all in, picking out what I felt to be truth and discarding the rest as just knowledge of what someone else might believe. I stumbled upon some willing to teach me and for that I was grateful. I also found some more interested in their own egos than in helping others. Whether I learned all I could or discovered a person's true motives, I eventually left and moved on. I began to become more and more frustrated with not being able to find someone to teach me more or help me develop whatever these coincidences were that kept happening so I could use them.

It has never been my goal to charge money or anything and perhaps that was part of the problem...maybe I was looking for something, or someone, so obscure there was no one to find. I tried several times to push this side of me away and each time I would be faced with undeniable coincidences that just couldn't be explained. I fluctuated between believing and dismissing it as coincidence. Eventually I just learned to accept it as part of my life and became focused on the more "real" aspects of my life.

I have never really believed in destiny and I still don't; I believe we create our own paths. What I believe--and where I think people get confused--is that we chose to learn certain things in this lifetime and they will continue to present themselves until we do. Whether we learn it or fight it is up to our current consciousness. I believe the true nature of who we are remains despite our environment and what goes on around us...but sometimes that too is a lesson. Fighting against this nature will cause us internal strife and discord, which can cloud our judgement and perception. While we must focus on the here and now and this life, we must not lose track of who we are truly.

A few years ago, the world--my part of the world anyway--was crumbling around me. It was a very dark place. My friends were moving away and I was left alone with my career. When I found support in someone at school I felt perhaps I could get through this. Many of my posts here have been about this person and all that has happened. I lost that support for reasons still unclear to me, and the abruptness of it hurt very deeply. It sent me in a downward spiral and it took me some time before I realized I was allowing it to continue. After the realization I slowed the spiraling down until it stopped, and then began the struggle to climb back up.

It has been difficult because there is a lot of hurt and anger, but it is important to remember that that hurt and anger exists because of my perception--I would have reached out to a person to help and I do not understand why someone else would not. But that isn't the point--the point is, is that they are different people and they acted, hopefully--although I question one, in accordance to their true natures. And for that I cannot fault them. Just as I would have reached out, knowing I could get slapped for it, others will choose to remain distant from it. Every time I think I have released the hurt and anger from it, I seem to find more--perhaps because some of the frustration continues to persist through new interactions. Which means I need a better way to deal with it.

In some ways I act against my true nature--I am not an angry person, nor am I petty, jealous, or spiteful. However at times I feel this and struggle to reconcile it. This is where "psychotherapy" fails me. Telling me it is normal to feel these things is fine and good, but it doesn't help me overcome them nor does it help me realize that this is not who I am. If I believe that to be normal for me, how can I transcend it? It bothered me for some time that I was even dealing with these emotions because I have always felt and been in the role of a healer of some sort.

Surely a healer would not have such discord inside. But then perhaps the healer draws her strength from having overcome such discord. So I decided to overcome it, and while I struggle from time to time, I am here and much more at peace. I struggle the most with situations out of my control that throw me off balance...it is difficult to let go of frustration and anger and pain when so much continues to be thrown at you. My way of dealing with the imbalance is to talk through it, but I often censor what I say or who I say it to so I don't sound "crazy." Currently I need to say less to the aforementioned person as she is struggling with another matter--I don't know what it is, but my talking is only making it more difficult for her to stay balanced. So I must find a way to release this discord without that outlet.

It has already begun and this week will definitely show how much it has progressed...or not. She told me something the other day...that I was in a very unique situation with my assignment in the schools. She's right, although the following may not be quite how she meant it. From my perspective that means people will not understand and venting my frustrations will only frustrate others because of that. In that way my work parallels my personal life as I have seen and lived through some things most the world, thankfully, never has to even think about--but the same holds true that I cannot use it as a way to separate me or an excuse to act differently if someone doesn't understand. Oddly, if meetings were about real life struggles, not just educational ones, I would probably not have difficulties in communication. But because they are not...I must learn when to speak and when to remain silent. My unassuming questions, my efforts to get to the root of a matter to fix it...are all misinterpreted. I think I'm beginning to see that while I remain detached and objective in my work, I tackle issues in the same way and with the same energy as I do in my personal life and others view that as being personally involved or subjective. So what I am actually feeling as fear is coming across as aggressive instead, for example.

In the end, I think the greatest teacher is within although if you typically question teachers it can become a little frustrating when you seek the truth. Ultimately though, I believe that light inside of us will always guide us to the truth of who we are and to happiness. The truth of who I am, who I have always been, becomes more clear each day. I am feeling the need to return to actively seeking this truth but it is somewhat unsettling for me. It means potentially risking the stability I have created in ignoring it. It also means potentially risking the idea that there is another path I might take in this lifetime. I'm not so much scared as nervous with excitement and apprehension. It could answer some of the questions I have had for many years...and would most likely lead to new ones. What I have already experienced would lead many to say I was lying or crazy or delusional or the like. And yet the path always finds its way back here. I think I shall refocus my attention on spirituality and see where the spirits lead me.

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