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Kanda-pensive

Oh What a Crappy Week

Posted on 2011.05.28 at 22:14
Current Music: Here (in your arms) Hellogoodbye
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One of the greatest gifts we have as human beings is our capacity to transform. While some chose to see it only as destructive, it is important to remember that it can also be used to bring about positive and compassionate changes in individuals and the world around us. That is what this week is shaping up to be for me.

At first I was going to vent about everything that had happened. Then I was too tired to do that so I just went to sleep. I wasn't in the mood to type most of the day and now I don't really feel like venting anymore. I'm not as pissed off and upset about things. Towards the end of the week I was telling myself I needed to change my perspective and see things as they are and deal with them accordingly. Most of it I can't change, so being upset over it isn't going to do anything except stress me out.

Don't get me wrong, the situations are still frustrating but me being upset isn't going to make one bit of difference...except it will make me feel like crap on top of the frustration. I'm really tired of always being in the position of having to be the "adult" or the person who "does it anyway" or "sees the bigger picture." But that's just the way my life has gone...I'm not the one who gets the breaks, I'm not the one who gets taken care of, I'm not the one who has support and security...I'm the one that's always struggling, I'm the one that's always strong, I'm the one that's always making the "right" choice.

There are days I wish I could just be a baby about things, but even when my frustration gets the better of me, the people around me won't accept even a small lapse in that responsibility. It's like never being able to rest...but if I sat down to rest perhaps I wouldn't be able to get back up again. Regardless, I always keep moving forward and overcoming one obstacle after another, even though it seems like I am only rewarded with more crap.

I've kind of given up that life will ever be "good" and that I'll ever meet the "right" person. Meh, fuck it. It's just not worth my time right now. I remember when I saw someone going through what I had been going through and she was crying and everyone just kept walking by her...I hugged her. She held on to me and said "this is so hard...how do you get through it? Does it get easier?" I didn't know what to say but I said, "No. You just keep walking forward because you can't look back. You can never look back." I was 24 years old.

It doesn't matter that I've lived through and seen a lot more than most people two or three times my age. It doesn't matter that my life is never going to get better in many respects. It doesn't matter that my family is trapped in this hell until we die or the world is destroyed. All that matters is who I am and what I do. I decided a long time ago I was not going to be defined by all of this and it wasn't going to control my actions. Even though I'm exhausted from fighting it, I still hold true to that vow. Even in the face of all this new crap--I will still hold true to it. I may need to stop and rest and I may get overwhelmed from time to time...but ultimately I decide my path and I'll be damned if this crap is going to alter it.

So to the people who think I shouldn't be human--piss off. To all the situations that are horribly unfair and the reasons I'm placed in them--fuck off. You aren't worth my time, effort, or emotion. And to the future that won't ever be--fuck you too, and you better hide because I just might catch up to you at some point and beat you.

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